...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.--Isaiah 40:31
Dear Mr. God
By The Warren Brothers
From Letters to God
Dear Mr. God,
I'm writing You today
Because it seems like lately I've forgotten how to pray
I know I don't need this pen
But everybody likes to get a letter now and then
I'm sorry for not writing more
Cuz I need You but it's hard to see
Why anyone as big as You needs anything from me
I know You're there
Say, how've You been?
I'm all right but I can't lie
Sometimes I feel like giving in
You're all I've got
Dear Mr. God
Sometimes I wish You lived next door
So over coffee You could tell me what You started all this for
I guess You saw that sunrise yesterday
Thanks for the reminder that You've never gone away
It gives me hope telling You what You already know
I need You but it's hard to see
Why anyone as big as You needs anything from me
I know You're there
Say, how've You been?
I'm all right, but I can't lie, sometimes I feel like giving in
Dear Mr. God
Tell me, do You ever cry when we forget to thank You for the good things in our lives?
I know I can't always understand why You do the things You do
But I know in the end I'll make it through if I stand next to You
So here I am
Dear Mr. God
I'm writing You today
Because it seems like lately I've forgotten how to pray
So, I've been going through a pretty bad cycle where I've just felt completely and utterly defeated. My "get-up-and-go" seemed to have just "got-up-and-left". I don't really have an explanation for it, other than I'm in that "downward spiral" that so many people (our very own SparkGuy included) refer to.
And I recognized it. Instead of doing anything about it, though, I let it continue on and on. But I'm being driven nuts by this irrational "need" to perform my very own self-sabotage.
I've been reading in Luke for my Bible reading. At the beginning of Luke, it talks about Mary (Jesus' mother) visiting her aunt Elizabeth (who was pregnant with the child who would become John the Baptist). The child leapt in Elizabeth's womb when she heard Mary's greeting and Elizabeth said this blessing over her, ending with
You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said.
~ Luke 1:45, NLT
One of the nights when I was reading that passage, something began nibbling at the back of my mind. I started wondering if the reason why I was struggling with this whole healthier lifestyle really stemmed from a lack of belief in the Lord, belief that He would provide the strength I needed when I needed it and that He would do what He said He would do.
Over the weekend that I was reading that passage, I went to a Beth Moore simulcast called "So Long, Insecurity" (based off her newest book). She basically laid out what a secure woman looks like by turning the word "Secure" into an acrostic. During her introduction, though, she explained how our issues with insecurity (whether they are about our bodies, our emotions, or our situation in life) basically stem from a lack of belief in God. Particularly from a lack of belief that He is who He says He is and we are who He wants us to be. Laying it out like that, I realized that's where I was. I was struggling with believing God and His promises that have been laid before me.
The following includes some of what she had to say and what I took away from that.
A secure woman is "Saved from herself". The note I had written underneath that letter reads "I don't have to sabotage myself because I have been saved by that". What I basically meant was that I no longer have to go back to that lifestyle--just because it's familiar doesn't mean that it's right or healthy. Yeesh, if it were healthy, I wouldn't be here writing this, now would I?
In the church we are told repeatedly that we are saved from sin and saved from our mistakes--but I don't think that I've ever had someone say that we were saved from ourselves and put it that plainly before. It was like a light went off and I realized that I didn't have to give in to the urge to eat everything in sight or to seek things out like fast food when an apple or something else would satisfy my hunger just as well.
But the things that really stood out to me when she was talking were things that had been floating around in the back of my mind already. It was wonderful that she put them out there and summarized them so succinctly before. It was like God was using her to spell out exactly what He wanted for me.
She used 2 verses that have meant quite a bit to me on this journey of life--two verses I had somehow managed to forget about entirely (despite the fact that they were written in my personal signature here and were posted on note cards at work). And she used these verses to make the point that a SECURE woman is "Saved from herself" and "Entitled to Truth".
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
~ Ephesians 4:22-24
"You were taught...." That means I already have knowledge of some sort. And with regards to living out a healthier lifestyle, I do have a lot of knowledge. It's all stuck up in my head and hasn't been getting put into action recently, but it's there. And I need to remember those things that I was taught. I need to focus on the truth and realize that it's not just true for everyone else out there, but it's true for me as well.
I know the basics about tracking my caloric intake and exercising regularly. I know to go for whole grains as often as possible and avoid processed foods whenever I can. I know that I should be getting at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables each day. I even know how to measure out a serving. I know tips and tricks for eating proper serving sizes, like using smaller dishes for your meals. I even know about the "bikini" rule for eating (your fruits/veggies should be 1/2 your plate and your starch and protein should each be 1/4).
One of the the things that Beth more said was that many of us are trying to manage our strongholds rather than just being free. I felt like that's what I've been doing. Somehow I got it into my head that by doing all of the right things, I would be free. But I'm learning that it's not true. I actually end up being in bondage to those things and not experiencing true freedom at all. It's like when you start up a no-carb lifestyle and drop a ton of weight. But, when you start introducing carbs again (after having reached your goal weight), you start gaining the weight back. Instead of having the freedom to eat from a variety of foods and experience a whole pallette of stuff, you get stuck with just eating the same things over and over again. And you become a slave to that lifestyle of eating.
While I do appreciate the tools and things available on here, I found that I was becoming a slave to them--that everything I did revolved around those things. And so I quit. I simply stopped tracking and doing them because instead of fulfilling the supposed promise of freedom, they became more constricting.
And yes, I know that was never the intention of the trackers. They are there to be guidelines and help those of us who have no clue about what we're doing to start from somewhere and then use that knowledge to live a fully healthy lifestyle.
I have since come to the realization that doing the right thing (at least in this case), will never bring about the freedom I crave if I continue to see it as anything other than a guideline. I did experience some freedom when I went through my challenge a couple of months ago to eat more veggies. I found that as I ate more veggies, I was more open to trying out other foods and there was a certain amount of freedom in that. I wasn't hampered by the "rule" that I should be eating 5 servings of fruits/veggies a day, but instead I was excited about trying out some new foods and even found that I was getting those servings in without even really trying.
All of these lessons (and more) I have learned through a variety of sources. And now I need to put those lessons into action. Because, besides being "Saved from herself", and "Entitled to truth", a SECURE woman is "Clothed with intention".
As women, we tend to dress with a purpose in mind. We deliberately pick out a particular outfit for specific reasons. Right now, I'm wearing a pair of sweats and a t-shirt (not my normal attire, mind you) because I wanted to be comfortable while resting my knee at home. I needed to wear pants that can roll up easily over my knee so I could put an ice pack on it. The t-shirt was another deliberate choice--I didn't want to wear a nicer shirt because then I wouldn't be able to wear it to work later this week.
The same way that we choose to dress our bodies, we are supposed to dress our lives. You're not going to go out jogging in a pair of heels, skirt, and a silk top. It's not very functional or appropriate for that activity. We have to realize that our old lifestyles are no longer appropriate for our new lives. We have to stop ourselves and seriously consider if what we are doing is something that we would do when we were making poor health decisions or if they actually do belong in this new lifestyle. That's what the Bible means by "taking off the old self" and "putting on the new self".
A great example would be something that happened this weekend. My mom, Dena and I were all hungry. It was late in the day (around 2) and we hadn't had lunch yet. We knew that we were going to eat dinner out at a local Italian restaurant so we didn't want to fill up on a normal meal. So, we went to a restaurant and ordered salads (all of us with dressing on the side), along with an appetizer that was pita bread with hummus, sun-dried tomatoes, and tzitziki (sp?). It was yummy and perfectly healthy for us--just the right size to tide us over until we went out for dinner a few hours later.
A couple of years ago, I would have just gone ahead and ordered a burger or sandwich with fries and a soda to drink because I was THAT hungry and I wans't thinking ahead about what we were planning on eating later.
"Old self" vs. "New self".
The great point that she had in the talk here was that we need to make the decision with our minds and take action BEFORE we ever feel secure in that direction. If we wait to feel better about that choice, it will never happen.
And this is something I've known in the back of my mind for awhile. I know that I have trouble getting my butt out of bed in the morning, but if I push myself to go ahead and do it, I'll feel so much better afterwards. Plus, I feel much more accomplished if I workout in the morning instead of waiting until after work (which doesn't always happen because life gets in the way).
There was more to the acrostic that she spelled out for us--if you're interested in the rest, leave a comment or e-mail me and I'll tell you what else she had to say.
But, the thing that I'm going to focus on now is her choice of yet another verse--one that God laid on my heart at the beginning of the year to focus on. It's Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
Yes, I am to remember what I have been taught and put those truths into action, I'm to learn from past mistakes, but I am not to DWELL on them. If I choose to focus on the past (how cruddy the last several months have been as far as healthy choices and actions go, for example), I'm never going to move beyond that and get to experience the new thing that God wants to do in my life.
As always, there's a song that speaks to this. I want this to be said of me, so I thought that I would choose to focus on it as a "power song" (basically a song of encouragement) for awhile. It's called "Say Goodbye" by Joy Williams. You can find the video below. Here are the lyrics:
I saw you today My familiar stranger Everything's changed You have come so far
You're different now Would you go back Would you want to anyhow?
Say goodbye, say goodbye To the you I knew before Say hello, say hello To a new beginning
Say goodbye, say goodbye To the you I knew before This is your genesis
Face to face The present and past collide And it's no mistake I see the future in your eyes
You seem so free Like nothing's ever gonna keep you down
Say goodbye, say goodbye To the you I knew before Say hello, say hello To a new beginning
Say goodbye, say goodbye To the you I knew before This is your genesis
You're different now You're different somehow Different now
Say goodbye, say goodbye To the you I knew before Say hello, say hello To a new beginning
Say goodbye, say goodbye To the you I knew before This is your genesis
Lately I've been feeling...well, there's no other word for it, but "defeated". I have been making poor eating choices and while I would love to blame things like my circumstances (particularly how much sugar has been floating around in my neck of the woods). I've been losing and gaining the same pound, back and forth...back and forth...So, yeah, I've been having struggles.
And no, I haven't been consistently choosing to exercise or eat right. Part of that is due to the discouragement I've been feeling. Part of it is simple out-and-out laziness. And part of it is just trying to do too much on my own and getting discouraged when that doesn't turn out the way that I want it to.
Today I was determined that I would go workout. The weather was kinda gray and yucky-looking. But, I donned my workout clothes and went off to the park after work. I was surprised at the sheer number of people who were jogging along the path. Generally speaking, when I've been on that path after work, there haven't been all that many people walking or jogging. Plenty of people riding bikes, but not so many people moving on their own two feet.
I was intending to continue my Couch to 5K training. I will be completely honest and say that this is the week that I have been dreading the most. It was walking for 1 minute, jogging for 3 minutes. Not so bad when as long as you don't take the number of repetitions into consideration.
The number of repetitions?
8.
Holy. Freaking. Cow.
8 reps?
Going in, I thought there was no way I was going to push through 8 reps. I didn't think the 1 minute walking was enough of a recovery time for me.
The last time I had gone out and jogged (last week), I managed to make it 2.78 miles. That gave me some hope that, come the 18th, I could actually do the full 5K and actually STOMP my previous record.
When I did that, I barely pushed through. It was 2 minutes walking coupled with 3 minutes of jogging, six repetitions. And I thought that was hard enough to push through.
All of this was running through the back of my mind as I was gearing up for my trip. I made it through the first rep with little to no problems. As I was walking along, I figured out that I didn't have to count the reps as I normally did--it was just making me feel discouraged and overwhelmed. Instead, I chose to focus on the fractions. Rather than saying I had completd 2 of 8 reps, I would say 1/4th , rather than 4 of 8 reps, I'd say 1/2. It made all the difference in the world to my mentality as that clock wound down the minute that I spent recovering.
And I did it.
I not only barely made it, I felt like I could have done at least one more rep if I had been asked to. But instead I chose to walk for a longer period of time for cool down.
There were so many things that were accomplished today. I went the furthest I have ever gone in this program. And I knew it just by the landmarks. I almost made it to the point where we had turned around on one of our longer Spark Team walks. But the real proof was glowing at me from the little screen on my iPod when I finally stopped my workout.
Yup, you read right! 3.35 miles in 50 minutes, a pace of about 16 minutes/mile. In school, when we would run a mile, I was lucky to make it in under 18 minutes. My fastest time was 10 minutes and 30 seconds for one mile. And that was when I was at my healthiest and still pushing myself to the point where I was not feeling so hot afterwards. So for me to do this, and go further than I ever did in high school, not to mention at a pace that was faster AND for me to feel like I could have pushed it a little bit further if I needed to was freaking amazing.
But here's the thing that I was reminded of as I was jogging along. At the beginning of the year one of the things that I had determined that I was done trying to do this journey on my own. That I was no longer going to choose to rely on my own strength to carry me through. Because I know just how weak I am. And I know that if I rely on just myself, I was going to run into some serious issues and would not be able to complete what I had started.
And yes, I was wanting to rely on others more. But the thing about relying on other people is that they're...well, they're human. And (let's face it) at some point and time, they're bound to let you down. I'm not being cycnical here, I'm just saying it. So I knew that I was going to have to rely on something else--on someone else. I chose to rely on God instead. He's got all the strength I need.
And the other thing I determined was that I was going to give God all of the glory for every victory that I had accomplished.
The thing is, I haven't been feeling all that victorious lately. I've been stuck in a downward spiral that was just getting more and more discouraging. Yes, I'd have moments where I was "up", but that never lasted for very long.
And as I was jogging, I was reminded of that by a song that came on called "Whatever it Takes" by Nate Sallie. I was also reminded of something that happened at the beginning of the week.
On Sunday I was at both Easter services for the venue where I was serving. One of the songs that we sang is a popular one called "Overcome". In that song one of the lines says "All authority, every victory is Yours".
And I was reminded that when I sing that song, "every" victory is not just the big ones that I love to acknowledge. It means the ones that I deem to be "too small" or don't even notice. God whispered to my heart and told me that I don't have to have absolutely everything figured out for something to be a victory that can be claimed for Him.
Today, clearly, I had a big victory. But there were also a series of smaller victories that happened, too. Like, resisting the urge to gorge myself on the Peeps and brownies that currently reside on the kitchen table at our office.
Or, like yesterday, when I chose to go to Zumba and work out despite the fact that I had forgotten to pack my socks (yucky, I know, but I figure I'm the only one who wears my shoes, my feet were clean and they're going to get replaced soon).
It's things like choosing to have yogurt or fruit instead of candy and cookies. It's realizing that things like candy and cookies don't taste as good or are somehow not as sweet when I've been having them frequently. Somehow, they seem so much better and more special when I have them on occasion rather than everyday.
Kinda like how people get excited when Cadbury Creme Eggs come out at Easter. Or Girl Scout cookies in the spring. They're just not special if you're having them all the time.
Those victories may seem small to some people, but they can lead to bigger and better things. And I know that. I've seen it played out in my own life as well as in the lives of others. But the realization that I need to claim those victories and be proud of them just as I'm proud of the larger milestones in my life is HUGE. And that I can claim those victories and point to God as the source of my strength to do those things and make those decisions makes those victories that much sweeter.
To that end, I have added a new goal to my calendar for the month of April. To celebrate and write down at least one victory (however small) each day.
I started out on this journey knowing that it would lead to spiritual change, a change that I have been desiring for quite some time. And the song I mentioned earlier was a reminder of a commitment that I made then and am making again. I wanted to post the lyrics as a way of recommitting myself.
Whatever it Takes By Nate Sallie
Who was I to try to live without You Thinking I could do things my own way? Lord, I know that I should never doubt You I get so lost and lonely when I stray
Now it's time to surrender to You I'm a man who believes it's You that I need
Whatever it takes, that's what I'll do I'd give anything to get back to You I know I was wrong, I made some mistakes But I'm gonna do whatever it takes Whatever it takes
In a world of darkness and temptation Only You can give me eyes to see Father, You're my strength and my salvation Show me now who I was made to be
I will follow anywhere that You lead For it's Your will, not mine I'm gonna prove it this time
Whatever it takes that's what I'll do I'd give anything to get back to You I know I was wrong, I made some mistakes But I'm gonna do whatever it takes Whatever it takes
I'm standing here cuz I've got nothing to lose I lost it all when I walked away from You I swear this time around I won't let You down
Whatever it takes, that's what I'll do I'd give anything to get back to You I know that You will forgive my mistakes So I'm gonna do whatever it takes
So yesterday was a lot of emotional ups and downs. It started out with an urgent phone call asking me to come into church early and do something I had never done before--making me incredibly nervous and uptight. It peaked with an experience that had me seriously freaking out--my laptop's adapter decided to up and die on me. When I needed it most.
See, I needed it to run the Power Point presentation and other things for a special event that was going on. Of the two nights this thing was running, this was probably the night that was less crucial, but still...
I had been spending the whole day being distracted by person after person and thing after thing. I had even tried to go and escape for a little bit and enter into my "zone" away from others. It didn't work--they found me and interrupted me yet again.
I wasn't prepared, and I hate not being prepared. And to top off the stress that was mounting from me not being prepared, the incident with my adapter happened. And I didn't realize it until my laptop's battery popped up a warning saying that it was going to shut itself down soon if I didn't get it charged.
Here's a tip, guys: when a gal calls you and asks for help, don't start getting into details right off the bat. Say something like "Sure, I'll try to help you" or even ask "How can I help you?" Only after you've done that, should you ask for details as far as what in particular is going on and try to get a better idea of how to fix it.
I love my dad, and I know he was trying to help in his own way, but it actually tipped me closer to the edge than I already was when he started asking me for details before saying "Yes, I'll help" (or at least try).
And of course, as I'm trying to get things ironed out with my dad, there were a few other people who were looking for me to add songs and do things that I needed my laptop for.
I asked a couple of friends to pray for me (via text message) because I could tell that I was getting seriously freaked out and being waaaaaaay too emotional about it all. I've only been to that point of exhaustion emotionally a few times, and let me tell you, it scares me when I get like that. I have no control over my emotions. I start crying at the drop of a hat. Normally I'm a pretty even-keel person who goes with the flow fairly well, so when I'm emotionally unstable like that, I feel out of control and when I feel out of control like that, it scares me.
A dear friend of mine offered her laptop, which had both of the programs I needed in order to get things going. She drove from her house out to where I was, but by the time she arrived, they had found a solution for me.
One of the sound technicians for the event had a spare laptop adapter that was the same specs as my own adapter. He needed it to run a program with the sound system, but he offered it up, saying that what I had to do was more important than that program. Which, for him to give up one of his toys like that, was a pretty big deal.
So when my friend showed up and I explained that we had a solution that was going to work, she got out of the car, came around and gave me a hug. And I started breaking down again (ugh...I'm starting to break down again just thinking about the situation). She said something about God's peace being in me. And I found myself desperately struggling to remember what was said in Philippians 4:6,7.
I realized now, that it scared me even more that I couldn't recall that verse, a verse that was so powerful and I knew would speak directly to where my heart was at that moment. I felt so off-kilter for the rest of the evening because of this one simple event.
It showed in how I handled the slides, too. And also in how I related to others over the course of the night.
One of the guys in the group came up to me after we had run through the plan for the evening (he had given me a thumb drive to upload a song and get it up on the screen). I handed over the thumb drive and he asked me if I could use some prayer.
At the time, I moaned inwardly because I felt like if someone prayed for me it would be the one thing that would tip me completely over the edge and I wouldn't make it through the rest of the evening.
I felt so bad for telling him thanks, but no thanks...that I had been praying throughout the course of the time since I found out that my adapter was dead until that moment. But in thinking about it a few minutes later, it occurred to me that this might just be one of the many lessons that God has been trying to teach me about relying on Him and His strength to carry me through. To let not only those whom I ask to pray for me do so, but also to let others pray for me when they want to. I never did catch him alone so that I could say thank you again for asking to pray for me and that I truly did appreciate it. I'm hoping that the next time I see him that I'll actually have the courage to go forward and thank him again.
So, two lessons from yesterday's events: 1) Let others pray for me, regardless of whether or not I feel I can hold myself together while they do 2) Make memorizing Scripture more of a habit--I've been slacking on this far too long and I know that when I focus on the Word that closely, it comes to mind more readily and is the source of comfort it was meant to be.
And in case you're curious about the verse I was racking my brain for, I eventually remembered it this evening.
Be anxious about nothing, but in everything, with prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus our Lord.
"What in the world," you may ask, "are you doing up at 4 in the morning writing a blog?"
"Shouldn't you be in bed, asleep?"
Very valid questions that I myself have been asking. But here's the thing--I woke up just a little before 4 after having a very vivid dream. And in that dream some questions came up that will not let go of me.
In that dream there was a guy. He was an acquaintance of mine who has been moved to the status of friend off and on over the 10+ years that I've known him. But, he's never moved beyond that.
One of the things about our relationship is that he pops into and out of my life. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it's pretty much always been on his terms and not my own. Again, not necessarily a bad thing (considering the man is supposed to lead in a relationship), but it wasn't always a good thing either.
When we were in college, he and I were serving together in the same ministry for students our age. We were on a team of people and he would give me rides to the leadership meetings. One night, he asked me to go on a date with him and his roommate, it would be a half-blind date. He informed me that his roommate at the time needed to brush up on his dating skills if he was ever going to get a girlfriend and settle down. He thought I'd be a good choice because I'm "fun".
I agreed to go and it was fun. I loved getting to hang out with the two of them and the date the first guy brought with him. But there was something that seemed off about the whole thing.
Later that school year, he asked me to go on a date with him--and only him. Just a fun thing, is what I was told. And we did go on a few dates (I wouldn't say we were dating, though, because the times were too few and far between).
In my dream, he made an appearance. He chased me down and found out a couple of things. One of which was that there was this necklace that I really liked (funny enough, it was a Mary Kay necklace that my friend had shown me prior to him showing up). In my dream, I knew that he was going to ask me out again. And not only ask me out, but ask me to marry him.
As the dream progressed, he and I ended up at the same restaurant where I was gathering with some of my friends. As we were leaving, he pulled me aside and asked me to wait for him for a moment. I agreed to wait, curious and wanting to hear him out. It was then that a series of people (both ones I knew and complete strangers) came up to me, telling me a series of things that sounded far too rehearsed. The final one was Dena. The look she weas giving me as she gave her lines and proceeded to hand me my little Bible (don't ask me why she had it, all I know is that I knew in my dream I was missing it) with a note tucked inside.
The note was blank.
And then the guy appeared out of nowhere, with Dena standing right there and proceeded to tell me what he would have written on the note. Which was basically that he was lonely and had been searching for something and he thought that I was that something. It was a very straight-forward and blunt sort of thing. He did ask me to marry him (it wasn't a very eloquent proposal).
Sensing my indecision, he rambled on saying something about at least giving us a chance and going to a restaurant where he had reservations for that night.
I took my Bible in my hands and told him that I would consider his first offer (Dena looked horrified and I myself couldn't believe I said that...until I figured out that I probably would say something like that so as not to completely hurt someone's feelings). But I also told him I wasn't available that night.
He kept pressuring me to go out that night. And Dena was playing devil's advocate and trying to persuade me I didn't have to be where I was plannning on going--that things would be okay without me.
I saw, out of the corner of my eye, two friends of mine (a guy and a gal) and I turned toward them, saying "I'm sorry, but I just can't tonight. I have to go..." and started walking towards them. The guy that was there is a friend of mine that I've been hanging out with more recently--we met through a mutual friend (the gal that was with him).
As I was drawing closer to my other friends, I started jogging--feeling the pressure of the words that trailed behind me from the first guy insisting that I needed to come with him instead. I got to the point where I was flat-out running (by this time they had disappeared behind the corner of a building) and ended up throwing myself into their arms, totally shocking them.
Even though we were around the corner of the building, the first guy saw what had happened and was wondering outloud why I would throw myself into the arms of this other guy--he didn't even notice the other girl there.
I was going to head off with them to wherever we were supposed to be going, but then I couldn't stand the questions coming from behind me. And so the two friends and I turned back towards the guy and I told him something. I told him that I was done considering his offer of marriage. That I was sorry, but I didn't think that we could work it out to a point where I had peace about dating him, let alone marrying him.
He had only one question for me.
"Why?"
And that was when I woke up. Since that time I've been contemplating why I wouldn't want to even date him. There was a time when I would have been happy to, but that was when I had a more idealized version of him in my head.
See, on the dates that we went on, while he always treated me well, he was very blunt with me. One of the things that he seemed fond of saying was that he liked going on dates with me because I was "fun". "Fun" meaning relaxed and easy-going, just moving with the flow and adapting to whatever situation we happened to be in. He didn't feel like he had to overly do things nor like he had to try to impress me.
While I appreciated his forthrightness about not seeing me as a more permanent fixture in his life (at least in a romantic sense), at the same time it hurt to be seemingly so easily dismissed as an option.
At the time, I knew he was experimenting himself by dating a lot of other women. I think he ended up going on a date with just about everyone of his friends that were girls before he finally settled on one (later on, after they were engaged, they broke up and I was once again a consolation date).
The following are some of the things that I've learned from my experience with him (and hence why I don't want to see him again):
While I appreciate a guy who will tell it like it is--it helps to do so with some tact.
If all you're going to do while we're hanging out is criticize your roommate, there really are better things that I could be doing with my time. You need to look for the good in people, too. I don't mind occasional griping, but when that's all you talked about (and it's about someone I actually like), it's not a good thing. Thank you for seeing that I can offer a good listening ear, but I'm done.
I don't want to be someone's consolation prize. He never said anything about his ex (other than to briefly explain some of what had happened, things that I already knew about to a degree because of our mutual friends), but I still had the feeling that I was like "second-best". I don't know that he said this, but it was like I was a practice round before he jumped into dating again.
It made me feel flat-out used. And I don't like feeling used.
So, some things I'm looking for in a guy:
Honesty and openness, but with some tact (or at least a hint that you actually care what I feel about whatever it is that we're talking about...particularly about our relationship or lack thereof). I don't want to be led on, I don't want to have thing just assumed (especially from my own view...I've been hurt too much in the past), but I also don't want to feel like I'm smaller than I am.
Treated well (doors opened for me and all that jazz). Yes, I am old-fashioned that way. But I'm also pig-headed and "independent". I may feel the need to reciprocate and open the door for you in return. Please understand that, while confusing, it's also a part of my nature to want to serve my friends and loved ones
Someone who can make me laugh, especially when I'm being a grumpy gus. I need someone who will shock me out of my pity party and distract me from focusing so much on myself and my problems. And I truly do value laughter--it's medicine for my heart.
A "safe" person. Someone I can share my thoughts with (even the goofy middle-of-the-night-doesn't-make-sense-to-anyone-but-me thoughts). If you aren't willing to listen to the goofy thoughts, I'm not going to be altogether likely to share my deeper thoughts--for how can I share with you my most precious thoughts, the ones from deep in my core, when you won't even share in my more surface-level ones?
Realize that I do have an opinion--and allow me to express it on occasion.
Don't simply regard me as a "fun" person. There is so much more to me than the what I show you on the surface. Be willing to go deeper. And when we do go deeper, be gentle with my heart--it's a very fragile thing that I try to protect at all costs.
Don't make me feel like I'm second-rate, that you're settling for me because there wasn't anything better out there. I won't flourish in a relationship where I'm valued at less than I am truly worth.
Above all else, I want a man who is more in love with Christ than he is with me. That is the only way I will play second-best willingly. If, indeed, a marriage is about mirroring the relatinship that Christ has with the church, I don't want to follow someone who is going to lead me away from my ultimate best (in every sense of the word) friend. I want someone who will help lead and guide me into a deeper relationship with Him.
This morning I (somewhat reluctantly) got up and went for a walk/jog. I have officially begun week 4 of Couch to 5K training. "What is so significant about that?" you may ask. Well, this is the first week where you are actually jogging more than you are walking.
Yes, you read right: jogging MORE than walking.
Today the goal was to walk for only 2 minutes and then jog for 3 minutes. And as much of a challenge as it sounded like this morning when I was laying in bed, it really wasn't all that bad.
The thing is, you repeat this repetition 5 times.
But, I persevered and made it through (not in my own strength, mind you).
See, today I was very much aware of some outside help spurring me on and encouraging me to push through the muscle fatigue that was becoming harder and harder to resist as I passed the halfway point in my workout.
What outside help?
Well, God, of course.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. ~ Phil 4:13
Like a friend of mine on blogspot, I found myself quoting this like a mantra when I was getting my stuff gathered together to head out the door.
To give you a glimpse into my mindset as I was entering my workout: I was already late getting out of bed and on my way out the door. I was worried about the fact that I couldn't find my package of travel kleenix that I normally carry with me. I was already wanting to lose the water bottle I carried in my hands because it was making my hands colder than they were to begin with (and yes, I was wearing gloves). I was tired. I was ready to go back home, curl up in a ball, and bag the whole thing. But, I went anyway.
And as I was jogging, this song came on. Initially I registered the song with simply an "Oh, I like this song!" But then I wondered about the pace of the song (it is a little slower) and was debating briefly about skipping it. As I started debating about it, the chorus came on:
To the cross I run, holding high my chains undone And now I'm finally free, free to be what I've become
And as I heard those words, I felt my heart and spirit lift. My steps grew lighter (which takes some doing when I'm jogging), and I began claiming those words as my own. The second verse caught my attention:
Even in defeat, the face of tragedy Still you have to say that I found victory In brokenness comes beauty, divine fragility Reminding me of nail-scarred hands reaching out for me
I had woken up this morning feeling slightly defeated (and trust me, that's not the best way to begin your morning) and yet the fact that I actually walked out of my door (despite the late start) was victory in and of itself.
And I knew at that moment that it wasn't a victory that I won on my own. I knew it was God encouraging me, nudging me towards my workout clothes, tennis shoes, and other gear and pushing me out the door. I felt a freedom in jogging that I have NEVER felt before. And the really cool thing? I began to worship as I was jogging.
I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever worshipped while I was jogging before. And yeah, as time went on in my workout I felt myself dragging more and more. But, the brief worship session I had with God has carried me through to this point and time as I type these words.
It is because of Christ I am free from the chains that have bound me and caused me to get to where I am today. I am free from the binges, free from my compulsion to eat when I'm bored.
But I'm not just free FROM something. I am free TO something.
I am free to be what I've become. I am free to enjoy food in a healthy way. I am free to experience, express, and deal with my emotions in a healthy manner. But overall, I am free to experience life more fully.
And ultimately, that is what this journey is about. Losing weight and getting fit is just an added bonus.
***** For the song (Undone by MercyMe), click below
One of the greatest struggles that I have encountered in my life is how to deal with and approach setbacks. None of us do so well (at least initially) with things that are thrown into our once-smooth paths.
For several weeks this year, I was doing well meeting (and even surpassing) my goals. But then a setback happened and I found myself in a tailspin. It started as a minor thing, but has since grown into a larger thing. And now, several weeks later, I am trying to find my way back.
I know last week I posted this blog about how I needed to just get out there and do the things that I knew I should be doing. But after maybe two days of trying to get back on track, I found myself back to where I had started.
Like Paul, I found myself thinking "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Romans 7:15)
Do be do be do....lalala...
Sorry, couldn't resist.
At any rate, I find that I'm conflicted. I know what I should do. I know what I would like to do. But I simply don't do it.
There's something lying at the root of this inaction that I can't quite put my finger on just yet.
At least, not until this afternoon.
To back up a bit, one of the things that I feel like I've been lacking to a large degree with the goals I had set, particularly my weight loss/healthy lifestyle goals, was how God fit into all of it. I honestly believe that the reason I have not had complete success as of yet is because I have not been allowing God to work through the whole process as He should. Rather than Him telling me what I should do, I've been telling Him things like:
"Okay, here's the plan. I'm going to workout Monday/Wednesday/Friday at water aerobics...and then Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday, I'm going to do XYZ...I will be eating like this...I will be doing that...And, oh, by the way, could you go ahead and just bless these efforts while I'm at it? Cuz ultimately this is gonna glorify You. You know that, right?"
The thing is, He does know that my efforts are going to glorify Him. He's planned it that way. But the way I've been going about it is not the same way that He wants me to go about it. See, the deal is that He wants to show me what it is that He would have me do and have me obey--the blessings would just pour out from that obedience. He doesn't need me dictating to Him my little plan for weight loss. And in fact, I think sometimes that He purposefully stops my loss just to get my attention.
But what happens often is that instead of turning to Him, like I should, I turn to other things, other means of comfort and security (shaky as they may be).
So, in order to better integrate my spiritual walk with my physical walk, I started reading Lose it For Life by Stephen Arterburn and Dr. Linda Mintle. I've also been doing the lessons in the workbook that goes along with it, taking a little chunk at a time (breaking up what should be in one day's lesson over several days). The past couple of sections I've been doing (for week 1, day 3 of the study) has been dealing with the issue of surrender. Here's what they had to say about surrender:
Surrender is not passivity, nor is it resignation. It is an active, conscious turning towards God, reflecting our willingness to submit to His power and to share His our truth with others. Surrender means:
Admitting that God is all-powerful and releasing our struggles to Him
Refusing to escape into the old patterns, habits and attitudes that continue to distract us from destructive direction of our lives
No longer saying, "I can handle this myself."
Humbling ourselves and submitting to God's way of doing things, even though we don't understand them.
The question that followed was asking us if that definition of surrender filled us with excitement or fear. Initially, I said that it didn't really do either to me. But then I began thinking about it as I read through the list again.
I just could not turn away from or stop thinking about the second one, saying that surrender means "refusing to escape into old patterns, habits and attitudes that continue to distract us from the destructive direction of our lives". At first I thought I was reading it wrong, but what I think it means is that we are refusing to go back to the patterns that we have so often relied upon to distract us from the direction our lives are really taking.
I know I tend to retreat and seek distraction when things get rough and I don't want to think about them. I turn to things like books, movies, TV, even things on the internet just to keep my mind off of what's going on in my life or in the lives of those around me.
For other people it may mean turning to video games, alcohol, drugs, food, music, exercise, work...anything that will keep our minds occuppied and away from facing up to what reality has to show us.
As much as I desire to lose weight and get fit, I fear it. There is at least one specific fear that this is forcing me to face up to (one that I would rather not detail here at this time). Let's just say that I've been hurt in the past and from that point on, I started trying to hide behind my weight--turning to food and leisure activities like reading or watching TV instead of finding other means to cope with those feelings.
Now, to be fair, I don't know that I really understood that there were better ways to cope with this situation (I was quite young). But, what happened has happened and there is nothing I can do about that except try to learn from that experience, specifically learning how to cope in a different manner.
In order to overcome this area of my life, I have to start refusing to give in to those coping habits that I have learned. I need to start facing up to what happened in the past--and that, in and of itself, is another reason why I haven't let myself go as far along this journey as I would have liked. The idea of having to face up to past hurts scares me (in a way) because I don't want to to live through that pain again.
And so I find myself stuck in a cycle. I get going well, but then after one setback I stop myself and allow myself to retreat, to start turning to my old familiar "friends" that have helped me cope in the past. And I get upset with myself for turning to those friends in the first place. And in order to feel better about that, I turn to them even more...and the process continues until I reach a point where I just don't know what to do.
Paul went through something similar.
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleased with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."
~ II Corinthians 12:8-9
Now my "thorn" is not necessarily a messenger of Satan (although some days it certainly feels like it), but it is a thorn nonetheless. And I, too, have wondered why it hasn't been taken away from me, despite my pleas for help. But the answer lies in that same passage. It's so that I can know and experience God's grace, which is sufficient for me.
See, every time I have a setback and turn to other things to cope, it's turning me away from God. It's not that God hasn't provided those things to help me cope from time to time, but it's those times when I rely on them more than I rely on Him that I am choosing to sin. Because to turn from God is one of the definitions of sin.
And we all know what helps us with getting rid of the stain sin leaves behind...it's God's grace.
In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.
~ Ephesians 1:7-8
One of the things that I have learned is that the reason why "refusing to escape into old patterns..." stood out to me in the list of what it means to surrender is because that is one of the areas of my life where I need to surrender the most. I have turned to those things because I haven't quite been ready to admit that they will not help me--only God can help me. And when I don't choose to surrender those areas to Him, I am sinning.
But...there's a verse in Lamentations that says God's mercies/compassions/grace is new every morning.
And I, for one, plan on taking full advantage of that when the next "every morning" comes.
Never confuse a single failure with a final failure.
My alarm went off a little over an hour ago. Lisa from the K-LOVE morning show was talking about something that she wanted the listeners to take part in and then began playing a song. I was feeling frustrated because (in my mostly-asleep brain) I could register that I could hear her and the music that she played, but there was some instrumental music that didn't fit playing as well. I kept wondering why my alarm clock was not tuning in to the station properly or why they couldn't figure it out on K-LOVE's end and fix the problem.
When I finally cracked my eyes open, I saw my TV was still on and stuck on the menu for the movie I was watching last night (Miracle, if you must know), which (if left long enough) repeats the same music over and over and over again until you select a menu option.
*sigh* Welcome to Wednesday morning, Erin.
I (as usual) slapped my snooze button and went back to bed, repeating the process a couple of times. The last time I did this, I just let the radio run while I was laying in bed. I was contemplating getting up and going to water aerobics (which, obviously, since I'm typing here I did not go to) and pondering how I felt about not going. I was just so tired and (as it has been lately) my bed was far too comfy.
Then the song I posted last night (Hope Now by Addison Road) started playing and it quieted my mind for a time while I listened to the song.
I must have heard it 10 or so times last night while I was typing up my blog (I had pulled up iTunes and stuck it on repeat), but for some reason I lay there and thought of nothing but the song and how it applied to the situation I found myself in this morning.
Like I said earlier, I was contemplating going to water aerobics, but didn't really feel like climbing out of bed. And as I was thinking about that, a feeling of hopelessness began washing over me. I have a goal in mind--to develop a healthy lifestyle (and in the process, lose some weight). I know some of the steps that I need to take in order to do so (get the proper amount of rest, exercise, and eat in a balanced way). But, like Paul, I found myself fighting, stuck between what I knew I should do (get my butt out of bed and through the door) and what I felt like doing (curling up in a ball and sleeping).
As the song was playing, hope began to fill me as I realized that there is hope for my situation/problem. Here's some of my thought process as the lyrics played on:
If everything comes down to love Then just what am I afraid of?
I wasn't feeling particularly afraid of getting out of bed or taking whatever step I needed to take this morning. I told God that I wasn't feeling up to getting out of bed and heading out the door--that I wanted to sleep some more. And as I said (in my head) that I wanted to sleep some more, the next line played:
When I call out Your Name Something inside awakes in my soul How quickly I forget I am Yours
At that moment, I realized that my soul and my mind had awakened a little bit more--I was feeling slightly more alert than I had been a few minutes before. I will admit, part of me groaned at the thought of what was happening (like I said, the bed was comfy).
Everything rides on hope now Everything rides on faith some how When the world has broken me down Your love sets me free
On Sunday night, when I was at reGeneration, I felt so energized and free during the song set we were doing--much more so than I have felt in a long time. The memory of that feeling swept through my mind as I tuned into the line "Your love sets me free". And I knew that I didn't have to lay in bed, in bondage (so to speak) to the covers and the idea that I had to remain comfortable at all costs.
Well, the song ended, Lisa and Eric popped on again talking about who you would give a gold medal to (someone who doesn't normally get recognition), they chatted with a caller for a bit about her gold medalist and then started playing another song, which my mind fully tuned in to.
What Faith Can Do by Kutless. I know I've heard this song many, many times before...but never like this.
Everybody falls sometimes Gotta find the strength to rise From the ashes to make a new beginning
I recognized that I was laying there--facing the opportunity for a new beginning. See, the pattern I was going through was the same pattern I had been going through for the last week or so (minus the lying in bed thinking about the music playing on the radio). Alarm went off...I slapped the snooze button...Alarm went off...snooze button slapped again...Alarm went off...I finally gave in and reset the alarm for much later. All the while I was dealing with a sense of defeat that I couldn't shake because I couldn't find the strength to get out of my bed and do much more than walk across the room and slap the snooze button or reset the alarm.
I had been praying for a new beginning and suddenly here I was, faced with exactly that opportunity.
Anyone can feel the ache You think it's more than you can take But you're stronger, stronger than you know
I was aching inside, wanting to take that step but still not finding the strength to do so. And then I remembered something a friend of mine had said on Sunday. She had sent me a text message saying that she felt compelled to look up the meaning for my name. One of the meanings of "Erin" is "Peace" (which I already knew), but she said that "Aaron" (the male version of my name) means "Tower of Strength" and she had gone on to tell me that I was stronger than I realized and she found strength in our relationship (everybody say "Awwwww...").
I think that's something God has been trying to show me lately--that I'm not really so weak-willed as I once thought. I can be quite stubborn when I put my mind to it. With His help, I am victorious and I don't have to be subject to the circumstances that I find myself in, letting my emotions get swayed this way and that.
Don't you give up now The sun will soon be shining You've gotta face the clouds To find the silver lining
It was then I sensed God whispering to my heart those very words--to not give up, that there is hope, I just needed to face up to what it was that I needed to do (as undesirable as it seemed at the time).
I've seen faith that moves the mountains Hope that doesn't ever end Even when the sky is falling I've seen miracles just happen Silent prayers get answered Broken hearts become brand new That's what faith can do
While I did listen to the chorus, nothing really registered that was special about it just yet. I think my mind was preoccupied with thinking about my strength vs. God's strength.
It doesn't matter what you've heard Impossible is not a word It's just a reason for someone not to try
I felt like (and still do) my goal of living a healthy lifestyle was (in a way) impossible--that it's too much for me to accomplish. Truth be told, if I was just trying on my own, then yes it would be impossible. But just because it looks impossible doesn't mean that I should use that as an excuse. How many times have I heard stories about people who were told that what they were trying to accomplish was impossible and yet somehow they proved those naysayers wrong (from Christopher Reeves and overcoming some of his paralysis to Erik Weinemeyer and climbing mountains as well as living a normal life in spite of his blindness to the Olympics with all of their inspiring stories about overcoming injury and setbacks time and time again).
Was I going to be like the naysayers and decide that it was impossible? Or was I going to be like the heroes of my life and conquer that goal (rather than let it conquer me)?
Everybody's scared to death When they decide to take that step Out on the water, it'll be all right
Life is so much more Than what your eyes are seeing You will find your way If you keep believing
It was then that I knew that one of the biggest things I'm going to have to overcome in this journey is my lack of belief that I can do this. That with Christ on my side anything is possible (Philippians 4:13).
I've seen faith that moves the mountains Hope that doesn't ever end Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen Silent prayers get answered Broken hearts become brand new That's what faith can do
Overcome the odds You don't have a chance (That's what faith can do) When the world says you can't It'll tell you that you can
Again, I sensed God whispering to my heart that this was possible, that I could overcome the apathy and laziness that was holding me in bed, the probing around for any inkling of an excuse that could somehow justify me staying in bed that much longer.
I've seen faith that moves the mountains Hope that doesn't ever end Even when the sky is falling I've seen miracles just happen Silent prayers get answered Broken hearts become brand new That's what faith can do
This time I was hit upside the head with the meaning behind the chorus. God was calling me to faith, not just belief, but faith. In the Bible there's a distinction made between the two: You can believe something to be true (in the case of James 2, that God is One) but that doesn't mean that you will always act as though that is true. As James points out, even the demons believe God and shudder--they don't allow that belief to go to the next level and become faith, showing that they trust in God.
On Sunday night, Pastor Mark talked about how we need to be letting our belief turn into faith by putting it into action. It's useless unless we're doing something with that belief. As it says in James 2:17, ...Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
What's the point of believing in something if you're not going to act on that belief?
What's the point in me saying that I believe that I can lose weight, eat right, and do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy lifestyle if I don't actually go out and take the steps necessary to do so? I'm not going to get any healthier doing whatever it is that has gotten me to the place I am now, that much has been made clear to me.
So what am I going to do about it?
Step out with renewed purpose. Literally.
I was going to do a workout here at home since I missed my chance to take part in water aerobics this morning. That doesn't look like it's going to happen now becuase I'm short on time. I'm going to look for an opportunity to do SOMETHING active today. I know have a busy day--made even busier by the fact that I'm going to spend the majority of my lunch hour shuttling a friend around. But, I think we have some time between when I take her home and our small group starts and I can use that time to do something on the Wii Fit, at the very least.
And that, for today, will be my (literal) step of faith.
Paul says in II Corinthians 4:8-9 that we are "pressed, but not crushed". That's a very fine distinction. I was thinking about a couple of different things--the first of which was the process for making perfume from flower petals. The sweetest fragrance supposedly comes from those petals that have been merely pressed, but not entirely destroyed by getting crushed.
Grapes go through a similar process when being made into white wine. As you most likely know(one would hope), in order to make a wine, you have to smoosh grapes and allow them to ferment (that's an overly simplified statement, I'm sure). Red wine is made when grapes are completely crushed--to the point where the skin breaks and is allowed to permeate the wine.
White wine, however, is made from grapes that are pressed just to the point where the clear juice and sugars come leaking out--but never to the point where the grapes are completely smashed.
So when the Bible says that we are pressed, but not crushed it means that when we find ourselves in a tough spot (caught between a rock and a hard place, so to speak), we are not "squished" to the point of being completely destroyed. Yes, we may have our "juices" (our energy, our love, anything that flows from our heart) come pouring out, but God holds us in one piece--providing a protective skin (His strength and the all-powerful control He has) that helps hold everything together.
Like a good vintner, He knows exactly how much stress our "skin" can stand before splitting apart and ruining the delicious mixture He is trying to make out of our life, particularly out of the hard times that we experience.
The line "everything rides on hope now" is from a song by Addison Road, one that has spoken to my life quite a bit recently. The video is posted below...
Really, lately, I feel like I've completely lost touch with things that I was once so in sync with. I see now that I took them for granted. My heart is so stinking full of questions and ideas and I don't really know which way to go--I feel antsy, really.
The biggest thing that has been bugging me lately is I haven't really been sensing God's presence as much as I used to. It's my own fault, really, I haven't been deliberately choosing to focus on Him, pray, or even spend quality time in the Word. I read through a couple of blog entries that I had posted on my LiveJournal account and it made me stop and go "Really? That was me??? I wrote that???" And I couldn't help but marvel at some of the things I said, concepts I understood and ideas that had been running through my head.
I feel like I've drifted so far away from that place where I was learning so much about God and my relationship with Him.
But, recently that's been beginning to change. I had some words with God...or really, I threw some words AT God about some things in my life that I was not happy with--none of which I will detail here right now. Suffice it to say, I was one cranky chick who probably looked and sounded crazy as she was pounding down the walking path and shouting at the sky.
And I got nothing...nothing in response. The only thing I really felt was a bit of relief from having gotten those complaints off my chest.
But then Sunday rolled around...Valentine's Day, actually. While in the midst of a crowd of people, I chose to confront God again--although in a much more humble manner. I told Him that I was feeling lonely--isolated, with friends but at the same time without them. Earlier that day our worship leader had said something that struck me and made me realize just how lonely I was: Worship is not just singing, dancing and raising our hands. Worship is our response to God. And I felt my heart whisper in a teeny tiny voice "How can you respond to someone you don't hear?"
It wasn't until that evening that I realized the thing that I was hurting the most over was that it felt like the One who professed that He would never leave me or forsake me had done just that.
Fear of abandonment is a big issue in my life.
We're working on it.
And so I told God that the thing that hurt the worst was His absence--His lack of communication with me. I realize that I wasn't doing a whole lot to help Him on that front, but that's how I felt.
As I said earlier, that whole night I was having trouble with opening my mouth and getting words to flow out. So I stood there, crying silent tears, feeling so lonely that I didn't know what else to do. I wanted nothing more than to have Him wrap His arms around me and comfort me.
As I was thinking this, it was then He spoke with me. He told me about an issue that had come between Him and I--something I was not forgiving myself for, even though He already had. And as it so often does when He speaks to me, it took my breath away. I could feel my mind scrambling even as a sense of peace washed over me, like when you're little and you climb onto your mommy's lap and she simply strokes your head and whispers "Shh..."
I guess the idea really needed to be pounded into my head--that night's message was on forgiveness.
Since that Sunday (a little over a week ago), God has been whispering to my heart off and on, showing me things that He would have me do. But there are so many things I have questions about.
This past Sunday night, my mind was frantic, begging for help in so many different areas of my life. I'm such a scatter-brained person sometimes when it comes to prayer. The thing that I thought about before the night really began was the thought "Am I showing God my plans and asking Him to bless them? Or am I actually seeking out His plans?"
So that's been on my mind a lot the last couple of days. So much of the time I'm not sure if what I'm doing is actually God's will or if it's just something that I came up with on my own and He's letting me learn my lesson by letting me go that way.
Two specific areas: 1) Ministry at my home church 2) Pursuing my weight loss goals
As far as the first item goes, I think I got my answer tonight. Over the weekend, I was asked to sub for someone in a position that I was helping out with up until the end of December. Despite the fact that I was operating on very little sleep, it felt good and right to be back in that role. It was like God was saying "All right, I let you have your little break, but now it's time to get back into the swing of things. Here's what I want you to do."
Since Sunday, I've been contemplating telling the head of that ministry that I'd like to help again. Really, I was just toying with the idea until the gal responsible for scheduling the team members asked me to sub again (this time with more warning).
So, in my reply to her I told her that I would and I was available for more, if need be (and I know the NEED it). And yes, there is peace about that decision and the offer I made tonight.
And that is confirmation enough for me.
As far as the second area goes--well, that encompasses so much more. I was doing well for awhile with exercising and eating right, but then things happened and I've fallen off the path again.
The phrase that keeps running through my mind in regards to this is one I posted on my SparkPage. It says:
Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.
I have a feeling I'm going to be chanting that to myself tomorrow morning when it comes time to get up and head off to water aerobics. I've been having a rough time getting up in the morning--simply because I'm going to bed so late (at least, that's what I believe, although I like to blame it on my bed being too cozy and the house being...well, not). :)
I just need to remind myself of what the wise man wrote in the song Trading My Sorrows:
I am pressed, but not crushed. Persecuted, not abandoned. Struck down, but now destroyed. I am blessed beyond the curse For His promise will endure That His joy's gonna be my strength.
Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning.
Which was taken pretty much exactly from two verses: II Corinthians 4:8-9 and Psalm 30:5
Lately, it seems as though I have been obsessed with having a fresh start--a new beginning. I've been feeling kind of down about a variety of things. Rather than list them all here and get depressed, I think I'll move on...
So, I've decided that my perspective needs to change. Not entirely sure what this will look like, but I can tell that hope is something I need.
Yes, you will find posts from 2005 (or earlier, ack!), but I'm hoping to keep this blog a little more updated than that.
Really, I just wanted to have a place to come outside of my SparkPeople and LiveJournal blogs to think and explore. My SparkPeople blogs tend to be more focused towards my attempts to live a healthy lifestyle while my LiveJournal blog is more of a day-to-day happening (particularly since it's supposed to be used for my Project-365 postings).
That being said...I'm going to post a new entry, lol...horrible, ain't I?
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