More lessons...

So yesterday was a lot of emotional ups and downs. It started out with an urgent phone call asking me to come into church early and do something I had never done before--making me incredibly nervous and uptight. It peaked with an experience that had me seriously freaking out--my laptop's adapter decided to up and die on me. When I needed it most.

See, I needed it to run the Power Point presentation and other things for a special event that was going on. Of the two nights this thing was running, this was probably the night that was less crucial, but still...

I had been spending the whole day being distracted by person after person and thing after thing. I had even tried to go and escape for a little bit and enter into my "zone" away from others. It didn't work--they found me and interrupted me yet again.

I wasn't prepared, and I hate not being prepared. And to top off the stress that was mounting from me not being prepared, the incident with my adapter happened. And I didn't realize it until my laptop's battery popped up a warning saying that it was going to shut itself down soon if I didn't get it charged.

Here's a tip, guys: when a gal calls you and asks for help, don't start getting into details right off the bat. Say something like "Sure, I'll try to help you" or even ask "How can I help you?" Only after you've done that, should you ask for details as far as what in particular is going on and try to get a better idea of how to fix it.

I love my dad, and I know he was trying to help in his own way, but it actually tipped me closer to the edge than I already was when he started asking me for details before saying "Yes, I'll help" (or at least try).

And of course, as I'm trying to get things ironed out with my dad, there were a few other people who were looking for me to add songs and do things that I needed my laptop for.

I asked a couple of friends to pray for me (via text message) because I could tell that I was getting seriously freaked out and being waaaaaaay too emotional about it all. I've only been to that point of exhaustion emotionally a few times, and let me tell you, it scares me when I get like that. I have no control over my emotions. I start crying at the drop of a hat. Normally I'm a pretty even-keel person who goes with the flow fairly well, so when I'm emotionally unstable like that, I feel out of control and when I feel out of control like that, it scares me.

A dear friend of mine offered her laptop, which had both of the programs I needed in order to get things going. She drove from her house out to where I was, but by the time she arrived, they had found a solution for me.

One of the sound technicians for the event had a spare laptop adapter that was the same specs as my own adapter. He needed it to run a program with the sound system, but he offered it up, saying that what I had to do was more important than that program. Which, for him to give up one of his toys like that, was a pretty big deal.

So when my friend showed up and I explained that we had a solution that was going to work, she got out of the car, came around and gave me a hug. And I started breaking down again (ugh...I'm starting to break down again just thinking about the situation). She said something about God's peace being in me. And I found myself desperately struggling to remember what was said in Philippians 4:6,7.

I realized now, that it scared me even more that I couldn't recall that verse, a verse that was so powerful and I knew would speak directly to where my heart was at that moment. I felt so off-kilter for the rest of the evening because of this one simple event.

It showed in how I handled the slides, too. And also in how I related to others over the course of the night.

One of the guys in the group came up to me after we had run through the plan for the evening (he had given me a thumb drive to upload a song and get it up on the screen). I handed over the thumb drive and he asked me if I could use some prayer.

At the time, I moaned inwardly because I felt like if someone prayed for me it would be the one thing that would tip me completely over the edge and I wouldn't make it through the rest of the evening.

I felt so bad for telling him thanks, but no thanks...that I had been praying throughout the course of the time since I found out that my adapter was dead until that moment. But in thinking about it a few minutes later, it occurred to me that this might just be one of the many lessons that God has been trying to teach me about relying on Him and His strength to carry me through. To let not only those whom I ask to pray for me do so, but also to let others pray for me when they want to. I never did catch him alone so that I could say thank you again for asking to pray for me and that I truly did appreciate it. I'm hoping that the next time I see him that I'll actually have the courage to go forward and thank him again.

So, two lessons from yesterday's events:
1) Let others pray for me, regardless of whether or not I feel I can hold myself together while they do
2) Make memorizing Scripture more of a habit--I've been slacking on this far too long and I know that when I focus on the Word that closely, it comes to mind more readily and is the source of comfort it was meant to be.

And in case you're curious about the verse I was racking my brain for, I eventually remembered it this evening.

Be anxious about nothing, but in everything, with prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~ Philippians 4:6,7

Early morning thoughts

"What in the world," you may ask, "are you doing up at 4 in the morning writing a blog?"

"Shouldn't you be in bed, asleep?"

Very valid questions that I myself have been asking. But here's the thing--I woke up just a little before 4 after having a very vivid dream. And in that dream some questions came up that will not let go of me.

In that dream there was a guy. He was an acquaintance of mine who has been moved to the status of friend off and on over the 10+ years that I've known him. But, he's never moved beyond that.

One of the things about our relationship is that he pops into and out of my life. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it's pretty much always been on his terms and not my own. Again, not necessarily a bad thing (considering the man is supposed to lead in a relationship), but it wasn't always a good thing either.

When we were in college, he and I were serving together in the same ministry for students our age. We were on a team of people and he would give me rides to the leadership meetings. One night, he asked me to go on a date with him and his roommate, it would be a half-blind date. He informed me that his roommate at the time needed to brush up on his dating skills if he was ever going to get a girlfriend and settle down. He thought I'd be a good choice because I'm "fun".

I agreed to go and it was fun. I loved getting to hang out with the two of them and the date the first guy brought with him. But there was something that seemed off about the whole thing.

Later that school year, he asked me to go on a date with him--and only him. Just a fun thing, is what I was told. And we did go on a few dates (I wouldn't say we were dating, though, because the times were too few and far between).

In my dream, he made an appearance. He chased me down and found out a couple of things. One of which was that there was this necklace that I really liked (funny enough, it was a Mary Kay necklace that my friend had shown me prior to him showing up). In my dream, I knew that he was going to ask me out again. And not only ask me out, but ask me to marry him.

As the dream progressed, he and I ended up at the same restaurant where I was gathering with some of my friends. As we were leaving, he pulled me aside and asked me to wait for him for a moment. I agreed to wait, curious and wanting to hear him out. It was then that a series of people (both ones I knew and complete strangers) came up to me, telling me a series of things that sounded far too rehearsed. The final one was Dena. The look she weas giving me as she gave her lines and proceeded to hand me my little Bible (don't ask me why she had it, all I know is that I knew in my dream I was missing it) with a note tucked inside.

The note was blank.

And then the guy appeared out of nowhere, with Dena standing right there and proceeded to tell me what he would have written on the note. Which was basically that he was lonely and had been searching for something and he thought that I was that something. It was a very straight-forward and blunt sort of thing. He did ask me to marry him (it wasn't a very eloquent proposal).

Sensing my indecision, he rambled on saying something about at least giving us a chance and going to a restaurant where he had reservations for that night.

I took my Bible in my hands and told him that I would consider his first offer (Dena looked horrified and I myself couldn't believe I said that...until I figured out that I probably would say something like that so as not to completely hurt someone's feelings). But I also told him I wasn't available that night.

He kept pressuring me to go out that night. And Dena was playing devil's advocate and trying to persuade me I didn't have to be where I was plannning on going--that things would be okay without me.

I saw, out of the corner of my eye, two friends of mine (a guy and a gal) and I turned toward them, saying "I'm sorry, but I just can't tonight. I have to go..." and started walking towards them. The guy that was there is a friend of mine that I've been hanging out with more recently--we met through a mutual friend (the gal that was with him).

As I was drawing closer to my other friends, I started jogging--feeling the pressure of the words that trailed behind me from the first guy insisting that I needed to come with him instead. I got to the point where I was flat-out running (by this time they had disappeared behind the corner of a building) and ended up throwing myself into their arms, totally shocking them.

Even though we were around the corner of the building, the first guy saw what had happened and was wondering outloud why I would throw myself into the arms of this other guy--he didn't even notice the other girl there.

I was going to head off with them to wherever we were supposed to be going, but then I couldn't stand the questions coming from behind me. And so the two friends and I turned back towards the guy and I told him something. I told him that I was done considering his offer of marriage. That I was sorry, but I didn't think that we could work it out to a point where I had peace about dating him, let alone marrying him.

He had only one question for me.

"Why?"

And that was when I woke up. Since that time I've been contemplating why I wouldn't want to even date him. There was a time when I would have been happy to, but that was when I had a more idealized version of him in my head.

See, on the dates that we went on, while he always treated me well, he was very blunt with me. One of the things that he seemed fond of saying was that he liked going on dates with me because I was "fun". "Fun" meaning relaxed and easy-going, just moving with the flow and adapting to whatever situation we happened to be in. He didn't feel like he had to overly do things nor like he had to try to impress me.

While I appreciated his forthrightness about not seeing me as a more permanent fixture in his life (at least in a romantic sense), at the same time it hurt to be seemingly so easily dismissed as an option.

At the time, I knew he was experimenting himself by dating a lot of other women. I think he ended up going on a date with just about everyone of his friends that were girls before he finally settled on one (later on, after they were engaged, they broke up and I was once again a consolation date).

The following are some of the things that I've learned from my experience with him (and hence why I don't want to see him again):

While I appreciate a guy who will tell it like it is--it helps to do so with some tact.

If all you're going to do while we're hanging out is criticize your roommate, there really are better things that I could be doing with my time. You need to look for the good in people, too. I don't mind occasional griping, but when that's all you talked about (and it's about someone I actually like), it's not a good thing. Thank you for seeing that I can offer a good listening ear, but I'm done.

I don't want to be someone's consolation prize. He never said anything about his ex (other than to briefly explain some of what had happened, things that I already knew about to a degree because of our mutual friends), but I still had the feeling that I was like "second-best". I don't know that he said this, but it was like I was a practice round before he jumped into dating again.

It made me feel flat-out used. And I don't like feeling used.

So, some things I'm looking for in a guy:

• Honesty and openness, but with some tact (or at least a hint that you actually care what I feel about whatever it is that we're talking about...particularly about our relationship or lack thereof). I don't want to be led on, I don't want to have thing just assumed (especially from my own view...I've been hurt too much in the past), but I also don't want to feel like I'm smaller than I am.
• Treated well (doors opened for me and all that jazz). Yes, I am old-fashioned that way. But I'm also pig-headed and "independent". I may feel the need to reciprocate and open the door for you in return. Please understand that, while confusing, it's also a part of my nature to want to serve my friends and loved ones
• Someone who can make me laugh, especially when I'm being a grumpy gus. I need someone who will shock me out of my pity party and distract me from focusing so much on myself and my problems. And I truly do value laughter--it's medicine for my heart.
• A "safe" person. Someone I can share my thoughts with (even the goofy middle-of-the-night-doesn't-make-sense-to-anyone-but-me thoughts). If you aren't willing to listen to the goofy thoughts, I'm not going to be altogether likely to share my deeper thoughts--for how can I share with you my most precious thoughts, the ones from deep in my core, when you won't even share in my more surface-level ones?
• Realize that I do have an opinion--and allow me to express it on occasion.
• Don't simply regard me as a "fun" person. There is so much more to me than the what I show you on the surface. Be willing to go deeper. And when we do go deeper, be gentle with my heart--it's a very fragile thing that I try to protect at all costs.
• Don't make me feel like I'm second-rate, that you're settling for me because there wasn't anything better out there. I won't flourish in a relationship where I'm valued at less than I am truly worth.
• Above all else, I want a man who is more in love with Christ than he is with me. That is the only way I will play second-best willingly. If, indeed, a marriage is about mirroring the relatinship that Christ has with the church, I don't want to follow someone who is going to lead me away from my ultimate best (in every sense of the word) friend. I want someone who will help lead and guide me into a deeper relationship with Him.

A tall order? Maybe.

Fully worth having?

You betcha.

Holding high my chains undone...

Today, my friends, I had a bit of a breakthrough.

This morning I (somewhat reluctantly) got up and went for a walk/jog. I have officially begun week 4 of Couch to 5K training. "What is so significant about that?" you may ask. Well, this is the first week where you are actually jogging more than you are walking.

Yes, you read right: jogging MORE than walking.

Today the goal was to walk for only 2 minutes and then jog for 3 minutes. And as much of a challenge as it sounded like this morning when I was laying in bed, it really wasn't all that bad.

The thing is, you repeat this repetition 5 times.

But, I persevered and made it through (not in my own strength, mind you).

See, today I was very much aware of some outside help spurring me on and encouraging me to push through the muscle fatigue that was becoming harder and harder to resist as I passed the halfway point in my workout.

What outside help?

Well, God, of course.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. ~ Phil 4:13

Like a friend of mine on blogspot, I found myself quoting this like a mantra when I was getting my stuff gathered together to head out the door.

To give you a glimpse into my mindset as I was entering my workout: I was already late getting out of bed and on my way out the door. I was worried about the fact that I couldn't find my package of travel kleenix that I normally carry with me. I was already wanting to lose the water bottle I carried in my hands because it was making my hands colder than they were to begin with (and yes, I was wearing gloves). I was tired. I was ready to go back home, curl up in a ball, and bag the whole thing. But, I went anyway.

And as I was jogging, this song came on. Initially I registered the song with simply an "Oh, I like this song!" But then I wondered about the pace of the song (it is a little slower) and was debating briefly about skipping it. As I started debating about it, the chorus came on:

To the cross I run, holding high my chains undone
And now I'm finally free,
free to be what I've become

And as I heard those words, I felt my heart and spirit lift. My steps grew lighter (which takes some doing when I'm jogging), and I began claiming those words as my own. The second verse caught my attention:

Even in defeat, the face of tragedy
Still you have to say that I found victory
In brokenness comes beauty, divine fragility
Reminding me of nail-scarred hands reaching out for me

I had woken up this morning feeling slightly defeated (and trust me, that's not the best way to begin your morning) and yet the fact that I actually walked out of my door (despite the late start) was victory in and of itself.

And I knew at that moment that it wasn't a victory that I won on my own. I knew it was God encouraging me, nudging me towards my workout clothes, tennis shoes, and other gear and pushing me out the door. I felt a freedom in jogging that I have NEVER felt before. And the really cool thing? I began to worship as I was jogging.

I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever worshipped while I was jogging before. And yeah, as time went on in my workout I felt myself dragging more and more. But, the brief worship session I had with God has carried me through to this point and time as I type these words.

It is because of Christ I am free from the chains that have bound me and caused me to get to where I am today. I am free from the binges, free from my compulsion to eat when I'm bored.

But I'm not just free FROM something. I am free TO something.

I am free to be what I've become. I am free to enjoy food in a healthy way. I am free to experience, express, and deal with my emotions in a healthy manner. But overall, I am free to experience life more fully.

And ultimately, that is what this journey is about. Losing weight and getting fit is just an added bonus.

*****
For the song (Undone by MercyMe), click below

One step forward, two steps back...

One of the greatest struggles that I have encountered in my life is how to deal with and approach setbacks. None of us do so well (at least initially) with things that are thrown into our once-smooth paths.

For several weeks this year, I was doing well meeting (and even surpassing) my goals. But then a setback happened and I found myself in a tailspin. It started as a minor thing, but has since grown into a larger thing. And now, several weeks later, I am trying to find my way back.

I know last week I posted this blog about how I needed to just get out there and do the things that I knew I should be doing. But after maybe two days of trying to get back on track, I found myself back to where I had started.

Like Paul, I found myself thinking "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Romans 7:15)

Do be do be do....lalala...

Sorry, couldn't resist.

At any rate, I find that I'm conflicted. I know what I should do. I know what I would like to do. But I simply don't do it.

There's something lying at the root of this inaction that I can't quite put my finger on just yet.

At least, not until this afternoon.

To back up a bit, one of the things that I feel like I've been lacking to a large degree with the goals I had set, particularly my weight loss/healthy lifestyle goals, was how God fit into all of it. I honestly believe that the reason I have not had complete success as of yet is because I have not been allowing God to work through the whole process as He should. Rather than Him telling me what I should do, I've been telling Him things like:

"Okay, here's the plan. I'm going to workout Monday/Wednesday/Friday at water aerobics...and then Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday, I'm going to do XYZ...I will be eating like this...I will be doing that...And, oh, by the way, could you go ahead and just bless these efforts while I'm at it? Cuz ultimately this is gonna glorify You. You know that, right?"

The thing is, He does know that my efforts are going to glorify Him. He's planned it that way. But the way I've been going about it is not the same way that He wants me to go about it. See, the deal is that He wants to show me what it is that He would have me do and have me obey--the blessings would just pour out from that obedience. He doesn't need me dictating to Him my little plan for weight loss. And in fact, I think sometimes that He purposefully stops my loss just to get my attention.

But what happens often is that instead of turning to Him, like I should, I turn to other things, other means of comfort and security (shaky as they may be).

So, in order to better integrate my spiritual walk with my physical walk, I started reading Lose it For Life by Stephen Arterburn and Dr. Linda Mintle. I've also been doing the lessons in the workbook that goes along with it, taking a little chunk at a time (breaking up what should be in one day's lesson over several days). The past couple of sections I've been doing (for week 1, day 3 of the study) has been dealing with the issue of surrender. Here's what they had to say about surrender:

Surrender is not passivity, nor is it resignation. It is an active, conscious turning towards God, reflecting our willingness to submit to His power and to share His our truth with others. Surrender means:

• Admitting that God is all-powerful and releasing our struggles to Him
• Refusing to escape into the old patterns, habits and attitudes that continue to distract us from destructive direction of our lives
• No longer saying, "I can handle this myself."
• Humbling ourselves and submitting to God's way of doing things, even though we don't understand them.

The question that followed was asking us if that definition of surrender filled us with excitement or fear. Initially, I said that it didn't really do either to me. But then I began thinking about it as I read through the list again.

I just could not turn away from or stop thinking about the second one, saying that surrender means "refusing to escape into old patterns, habits and attitudes that continue to distract us from the destructive direction of our lives". At first I thought I was reading it wrong, but what I think it means is that we are refusing to go back to the patterns that we have so often relied upon to distract us from the direction our lives are really taking.

I know I tend to retreat and seek distraction when things get rough and I don't want to think about them. I turn to things like books, movies, TV, even things on the internet just to keep my mind off of what's going on in my life or in the lives of those around me.

For other people it may mean turning to video games, alcohol, drugs, food, music, exercise, work...anything that will keep our minds occuppied and away from facing up to what reality has to show us.

As much as I desire to lose weight and get fit, I fear it. There is at least one specific fear that this is forcing me to face up to (one that I would rather not detail here at this time). Let's just say that I've been hurt in the past and from that point on, I started trying to hide behind my weight--turning to food and leisure activities like reading or watching TV instead of finding other means to cope with those feelings.

Now, to be fair, I don't know that I really understood that there were better ways to cope with this situation (I was quite young). But, what happened has happened and there is nothing I can do about that except try to learn from that experience, specifically learning how to cope in a different manner.

In order to overcome this area of my life, I have to start refusing to give in to those coping habits that I have learned. I need to start facing up to what happened in the past--and that, in and of itself, is another reason why I haven't let myself go as far along this journey as I would have liked. The idea of having to face up to past hurts scares me (in a way) because I don't want to to live through that pain again.

And so I find myself stuck in a cycle. I get going well, but then after one setback I stop myself and allow myself to retreat, to start turning to my old familiar "friends" that have helped me cope in the past. And I get upset with myself for turning to those friends in the first place. And in order to feel better about that, I turn to them even more...and the process continues until I reach a point where I just don't know what to do.

Paul went through something similar.

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleased with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."

~ II Corinthians 12:8-9

Now my "thorn" is not necessarily a messenger of Satan (although some days it certainly feels like it), but it is a thorn nonetheless. And I, too, have wondered why it hasn't been taken away from me, despite my pleas for help. But the answer lies in that same passage. It's so that I can know and experience God's grace, which is sufficient for me.

See, every time I have a setback and turn to other things to cope, it's turning me away from God. It's not that God hasn't provided those things to help me cope from time to time, but it's those times when I rely on them more than I rely on Him that I am choosing to sin. Because to turn from God is one of the definitions of sin.

And we all know what helps us with getting rid of the stain sin leaves behind...it's God's grace.

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.

~ Ephesians 1:7-8

One of the things that I have learned is that the reason why "refusing to escape into old patterns..." stood out to me in the list of what it means to surrender is because that is one of the areas of my life where I need to surrender the most. I have turned to those things because I haven't quite been ready to admit that they will not help me--only God can help me. And when I don't choose to surrender those areas to Him, I am sinning.

But...there's a verse in Lamentations that says God's mercies/compassions/grace is new every morning.

And I, for one, plan on taking full advantage of that when the next "every morning" comes.

Never confuse a single failure with a final failure.