Impossible is not a word...

My alarm went off a little over an hour ago. Lisa from the K-LOVE morning show was talking about something that she wanted the listeners to take part in and then began playing a song. I was feeling frustrated because (in my mostly-asleep brain) I could register that I could hear her and the music that she played, but there was some instrumental music that didn't fit playing as well. I kept wondering why my alarm clock was not tuning in to the station properly or why they couldn't figure it out on K-LOVE's end and fix the problem.

When I finally cracked my eyes open, I saw my TV was still on and stuck on the menu for the movie I was watching last night (Miracle, if you must know), which (if left long enough) repeats the same music over and over and over again until you select a menu option.

*sigh* Welcome to Wednesday morning, Erin.

I (as usual) slapped my snooze button and went back to bed, repeating the process a couple of times. The last time I did this, I just let the radio run while I was laying in bed. I was contemplating getting up and going to water aerobics (which, obviously, since I'm typing here I did not go to) and pondering how I felt about not going. I was just so tired and (as it has been lately) my bed was far too comfy.

Then the song I posted last night (Hope Now by Addison Road) started playing and it quieted my mind for a time while I listened to the song.

I must have heard it 10 or so times last night while I was typing up my blog (I had pulled up iTunes and stuck it on repeat), but for some reason I lay there and thought of nothing but the song and how it applied to the situation I found myself in this morning.

Like I said earlier, I was contemplating going to water aerobics, but didn't really feel like climbing out of bed. And as I was thinking about that, a feeling of hopelessness began washing over me. I have a goal in mind--to develop a healthy lifestyle (and in the process, lose some weight). I know some of the steps that I need to take in order to do so (get the proper amount of rest, exercise, and eat in a balanced way). But, like Paul, I found myself fighting, stuck between what I knew I should do (get my butt out of bed and through the door) and what I felt like doing (curling up in a ball and sleeping).

As the song was playing, hope began to fill me as I realized that there is hope for my situation/problem. Here's some of my thought process as the lyrics played on:

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of?

I wasn't feeling particularly afraid of getting out of bed or taking whatever step I needed to take this morning. I told God that I wasn't feeling up to getting out of bed and heading out the door--that I wanted to sleep some more. And as I said (in my head) that I wanted to sleep some more, the next line played:

When I call out Your Name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I am Yours

At that moment, I realized that my soul and my mind had awakened a little bit more--I was feeling slightly more alert than I had been a few minutes before. I will admit, part of me groaned at the thought of what was happening (like I said, the bed was comfy).

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith some how
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

On Sunday night, when I was at reGeneration, I felt so energized and free during the song set we were doing--much more so than I have felt in a long time. The memory of that feeling swept through my mind as I tuned into the line "Your love sets me free". And I knew that I didn't have to lay in bed, in bondage (so to speak) to the covers and the idea that I had to remain comfortable at all costs.

Well, the song ended, Lisa and Eric popped on again talking about who you would give a gold medal to (someone who doesn't normally get recognition), they chatted with a caller for a bit about her gold medalist and then started playing another song, which my mind fully tuned in to.

What Faith Can Do by Kutless. I know I've heard this song many, many times before...but never like this.

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes to make a new beginning

I recognized that I was laying there--facing the opportunity for a new beginning. See, the pattern I was going through was the same pattern I had been going through for the last week or so (minus the lying in bed thinking about the music playing on the radio). Alarm went off...I slapped the snooze button...Alarm went off...snooze button slapped again...Alarm went off...I finally gave in and reset the alarm for much later. All the while I was dealing with a sense of defeat that I couldn't shake because I couldn't find the strength to get out of my bed and do much more than walk across the room and slap the snooze button or reset the alarm.

I had been praying for a new beginning and suddenly here I was, faced with exactly that opportunity.

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know

I was aching inside, wanting to take that step but still not finding the strength to do so. And then I remembered something a friend of mine had said on Sunday. She had sent me a text message saying that she felt compelled to look up the meaning for my name. One of the meanings of "Erin" is "Peace" (which I already knew), but she said that "Aaron" (the male version of my name) means "Tower of Strength" and she had gone on to tell me that I was stronger than I realized and she found strength in our relationship (everybody say "Awwwww...").

I think that's something God has been trying to show me lately--that I'm not really so weak-willed as I once thought. I can be quite stubborn when I put my mind to it. With His help, I am victorious and I don't have to be subject to the circumstances that I find myself in, letting my emotions get swayed this way and that.

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You've gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

It was then I sensed God whispering to my heart those very words--to not give up, that there is hope, I just needed to face up to what it was that I needed to do (as undesirable as it seemed at the time).

I've seen faith that moves the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

While I did listen to the chorus, nothing really registered that was special about it just yet. I think my mind was preoccupied with thinking about my strength vs. God's strength.

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try

I felt like (and still do) my goal of living a healthy lifestyle was (in a way) impossible--that it's too much for me to accomplish. Truth be told, if I was just trying on my own, then yes it would be impossible. But just because it looks impossible doesn't mean that I should use that as an excuse. How many times have I heard stories about people who were told that what they were trying to accomplish was impossible and yet somehow they proved those naysayers wrong (from Christopher Reeves and overcoming some of his paralysis to Erik Weinemeyer and climbing mountains as well as living a normal life in spite of his blindness to the Olympics with all of their inspiring stories about overcoming injury and setbacks time and time again).

Was I going to be like the naysayers and decide that it was impossible? Or was I going to be like the heroes of my life and conquer that goal (rather than let it conquer me)?

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water, it'll be all right

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

It was then that I knew that one of the biggest things I'm going to have to overcome in this journey is my lack of belief that I can do this. That with Christ on my side anything is possible (Philippians 4:13).

I've seen faith that moves the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling

I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can

Again, I sensed God whispering to my heart that this was possible, that I could overcome the apathy and laziness that was holding me in bed, the probing around for any inkling of an excuse that could somehow justify me staying in bed that much longer.

I've seen faith that moves the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

This time I was hit upside the head with the meaning behind the chorus. God was calling me to faith, not just belief, but faith. In the Bible there's a distinction made between the two: You can believe something to be true (in the case of James 2, that God is One) but that doesn't mean that you will always act as though that is true. As James points out, even the demons believe God and shudder--they don't allow that belief to go to the next level and become faith, showing that they trust in God.

On Sunday night, Pastor Mark talked about how we need to be letting our belief turn into faith by putting it into action. It's useless unless we're doing something with that belief. As it says in James 2:17, ...Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

What's the point of believing in something if you're not going to act on that belief?

What's the point in me saying that I believe that I can lose weight, eat right, and do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy lifestyle if I don't actually go out and take the steps necessary to do so? I'm not going to get any healthier doing whatever it is that has gotten me to the place I am now, that much has been made clear to me.

So what am I going to do about it?

Step out with renewed purpose. Literally.

I was going to do a workout here at home since I missed my chance to take part in water aerobics this morning. That doesn't look like it's going to happen now becuase I'm short on time. I'm going to look for an opportunity to do SOMETHING active today. I know have a busy day--made even busier by the fact that I'm going to spend the majority of my lunch hour shuttling a friend around. But, I think we have some time between when I take her home and our small group starts and I can use that time to do something on the Wii Fit, at the very least.

And that, for today, will be my (literal) step of faith.

Biblical Viticulture

Random thought:

Paul says in II Corinthians 4:8-9 that we are "pressed, but not crushed". That's a very fine distinction. I was thinking about a couple of different things--the first of which was the process for making perfume from flower petals. The sweetest fragrance supposedly comes from those petals that have been merely pressed, but not entirely destroyed by getting crushed.

Grapes go through a similar process when being made into white wine. As you most likely know(one would hope), in order to make a wine, you have to smoosh grapes and allow them to ferment (that's an overly simplified statement, I'm sure). Red wine is made when grapes are completely crushed--to the point where the skin breaks and is allowed to permeate the wine.

White wine, however, is made from grapes that are pressed just to the point where the clear juice and sugars come leaking out--but never to the point where the grapes are completely smashed.

So when the Bible says that we are pressed, but not crushed it means that when we find ourselves in a tough spot (caught between a rock and a hard place, so to speak), we are not "squished" to the point of being completely destroyed. Yes, we may have our "juices" (our energy, our love, anything that flows from our heart) come pouring out, but God holds us in one piece--providing a protective skin (His strength and the all-powerful control He has) that helps hold everything together.

Like a good vintner, He knows exactly how much stress our "skin" can stand before splitting apart and ruining the delicious mixture He is trying to make out of our life, particularly out of the hard times that we experience.

Pressed, but not crushed

The line "everything rides on hope now" is from a song by Addison Road, one that has spoken to my life quite a bit recently. The video is posted below...




Really, lately, I feel like I've completely lost touch with things that I was once so in sync with. I see now that I took them for granted. My heart is so stinking full of questions and ideas and I don't really know which way to go--I feel antsy, really.

The biggest thing that has been bugging me lately is I haven't really been sensing God's presence as much as I used to. It's my own fault, really, I haven't been deliberately choosing to focus on Him, pray, or even spend quality time in the Word. I read through a couple of blog entries that I had posted on my LiveJournal account and it made me stop and go "Really? That was me??? I wrote that???" And I couldn't help but marvel at some of the things I said, concepts I understood and ideas that had been running through my head.

I feel like I've drifted so far away from that place where I was learning so much about God and my relationship with Him.

But, recently that's been beginning to change. I had some words with God...or really, I threw some words AT God about some things in my life that I was not happy with--none of which I will detail here right now. Suffice it to say, I was one cranky chick who probably looked and sounded crazy as she was pounding down the walking path and shouting at the sky.

And I got nothing...nothing in response. The only thing I really felt was a bit of relief from having gotten those complaints off my chest.

But then Sunday rolled around...Valentine's Day, actually. While in the midst of a crowd of people, I chose to confront God again--although in a much more humble manner. I told Him that I was feeling lonely--isolated, with friends but at the same time without them. Earlier that day our worship leader had said something that struck me and made me realize just how lonely I was: Worship is not just singing, dancing and raising our hands. Worship is our response to God. And I felt my heart whisper in a teeny tiny voice "How can you respond to someone you don't hear?"

It wasn't until that evening that I realized the thing that I was hurting the most over was that it felt like the One who professed that He would never leave me or forsake me had done just that.

Fear of abandonment is a big issue in my life.

We're working on it.

And so I told God that the thing that hurt the worst was His absence--His lack of communication with me. I realize that I wasn't doing a whole lot to help Him on that front, but that's how I felt.

As I said earlier, that whole night I was having trouble with opening my mouth and getting words to flow out. So I stood there, crying silent tears, feeling so lonely that I didn't know what else to do. I wanted nothing more than to have Him wrap His arms around me and comfort me.

As I was thinking this, it was then He spoke with me. He told me about an issue that had come between Him and I--something I was not forgiving myself for, even though He already had. And as it so often does when He speaks to me, it took my breath away. I could feel my mind scrambling even as a sense of peace washed over me, like when you're little and you climb onto your mommy's lap and she simply strokes your head and whispers "Shh..."

I guess the idea really needed to be pounded into my head--that night's message was on forgiveness.

Since that Sunday (a little over a week ago), God has been whispering to my heart off and on, showing me things that He would have me do. But there are so many things I have questions about.

This past Sunday night, my mind was frantic, begging for help in so many different areas of my life. I'm such a scatter-brained person sometimes when it comes to prayer. The thing that I thought about before the night really began was the thought "Am I showing God my plans and asking Him to bless them? Or am I actually seeking out His plans?"

So that's been on my mind a lot the last couple of days. So much of the time I'm not sure if what I'm doing is actually God's will or if it's just something that I came up with on my own and He's letting me learn my lesson by letting me go that way.

Two specific areas:
1) Ministry at my home church
2) Pursuing my weight loss goals

As far as the first item goes, I think I got my answer tonight. Over the weekend, I was asked to sub for someone in a position that I was helping out with up until the end of December. Despite the fact that I was operating on very little sleep, it felt good and right to be back in that role. It was like God was saying "All right, I let you have your little break, but now it's time to get back into the swing of things. Here's what I want you to do."

Since Sunday, I've been contemplating telling the head of that ministry that I'd like to help again. Really, I was just toying with the idea until the gal responsible for scheduling the team members asked me to sub again (this time with more warning).

So, in my reply to her I told her that I would and I was available for more, if need be (and I know the NEED it). And yes, there is peace about that decision and the offer I made tonight.

And that is confirmation enough for me.

As far as the second area goes--well, that encompasses so much more. I was doing well for awhile with exercising and eating right, but then things happened and I've fallen off the path again.

The phrase that keeps running through my mind in regards to this is one I posted on my SparkPage. It says:

Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.

I have a feeling I'm going to be chanting that to myself tomorrow morning when it comes time to get up and head off to water aerobics. I've been having a rough time getting up in the morning--simply because I'm going to bed so late (at least, that's what I believe, although I like to blame it on my bed being too cozy and the house being...well, not). :)

I just need to remind myself of what the wise man wrote in the song Trading My Sorrows:

I am pressed, but not crushed.
Persecuted, not abandoned.
Struck down, but now destroyed.
I am blessed beyond the curse
For His promise will endure
That His joy's gonna be my strength.

Though the sorrow may last for the night,
His joy comes in the morning.

Which was taken pretty much exactly from two verses: II Corinthians 4:8-9 and Psalm 30:5

A fresh start

Lately, it seems as though I have been obsessed with having a fresh start--a new beginning. I've been feeling kind of down about a variety of things. Rather than list them all here and get depressed, I think I'll move on...

So, I've decided that my perspective needs to change. Not entirely sure what this will look like, but I can tell that hope is something I need.

Yes, you will find posts from 2005 (or earlier, ack!), but I'm hoping to keep this blog a little more updated than that.

Really, I just wanted to have a place to come outside of my SparkPeople and LiveJournal blogs to think and explore. My SparkPeople blogs tend to be more focused towards my attempts to live a healthy lifestyle while my LiveJournal blog is more of a day-to-day happening (particularly since it's supposed to be used for my Project-365 postings).

That being said...I'm going to post a new entry, lol...horrible, ain't I?