Early morning thoughts

"What in the world," you may ask, "are you doing up at 4 in the morning writing a blog?"

"Shouldn't you be in bed, asleep?"

Very valid questions that I myself have been asking. But here's the thing--I woke up just a little before 4 after having a very vivid dream. And in that dream some questions came up that will not let go of me.

In that dream there was a guy. He was an acquaintance of mine who has been moved to the status of friend off and on over the 10+ years that I've known him. But, he's never moved beyond that.

One of the things about our relationship is that he pops into and out of my life. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it's pretty much always been on his terms and not my own. Again, not necessarily a bad thing (considering the man is supposed to lead in a relationship), but it wasn't always a good thing either.

When we were in college, he and I were serving together in the same ministry for students our age. We were on a team of people and he would give me rides to the leadership meetings. One night, he asked me to go on a date with him and his roommate, it would be a half-blind date. He informed me that his roommate at the time needed to brush up on his dating skills if he was ever going to get a girlfriend and settle down. He thought I'd be a good choice because I'm "fun".

I agreed to go and it was fun. I loved getting to hang out with the two of them and the date the first guy brought with him. But there was something that seemed off about the whole thing.

Later that school year, he asked me to go on a date with him--and only him. Just a fun thing, is what I was told. And we did go on a few dates (I wouldn't say we were dating, though, because the times were too few and far between).

In my dream, he made an appearance. He chased me down and found out a couple of things. One of which was that there was this necklace that I really liked (funny enough, it was a Mary Kay necklace that my friend had shown me prior to him showing up). In my dream, I knew that he was going to ask me out again. And not only ask me out, but ask me to marry him.

As the dream progressed, he and I ended up at the same restaurant where I was gathering with some of my friends. As we were leaving, he pulled me aside and asked me to wait for him for a moment. I agreed to wait, curious and wanting to hear him out. It was then that a series of people (both ones I knew and complete strangers) came up to me, telling me a series of things that sounded far too rehearsed. The final one was Dena. The look she weas giving me as she gave her lines and proceeded to hand me my little Bible (don't ask me why she had it, all I know is that I knew in my dream I was missing it) with a note tucked inside.

The note was blank.

And then the guy appeared out of nowhere, with Dena standing right there and proceeded to tell me what he would have written on the note. Which was basically that he was lonely and had been searching for something and he thought that I was that something. It was a very straight-forward and blunt sort of thing. He did ask me to marry him (it wasn't a very eloquent proposal).

Sensing my indecision, he rambled on saying something about at least giving us a chance and going to a restaurant where he had reservations for that night.

I took my Bible in my hands and told him that I would consider his first offer (Dena looked horrified and I myself couldn't believe I said that...until I figured out that I probably would say something like that so as not to completely hurt someone's feelings). But I also told him I wasn't available that night.

He kept pressuring me to go out that night. And Dena was playing devil's advocate and trying to persuade me I didn't have to be where I was plannning on going--that things would be okay without me.

I saw, out of the corner of my eye, two friends of mine (a guy and a gal) and I turned toward them, saying "I'm sorry, but I just can't tonight. I have to go..." and started walking towards them. The guy that was there is a friend of mine that I've been hanging out with more recently--we met through a mutual friend (the gal that was with him).

As I was drawing closer to my other friends, I started jogging--feeling the pressure of the words that trailed behind me from the first guy insisting that I needed to come with him instead. I got to the point where I was flat-out running (by this time they had disappeared behind the corner of a building) and ended up throwing myself into their arms, totally shocking them.

Even though we were around the corner of the building, the first guy saw what had happened and was wondering outloud why I would throw myself into the arms of this other guy--he didn't even notice the other girl there.

I was going to head off with them to wherever we were supposed to be going, but then I couldn't stand the questions coming from behind me. And so the two friends and I turned back towards the guy and I told him something. I told him that I was done considering his offer of marriage. That I was sorry, but I didn't think that we could work it out to a point where I had peace about dating him, let alone marrying him.

He had only one question for me.

"Why?"

And that was when I woke up. Since that time I've been contemplating why I wouldn't want to even date him. There was a time when I would have been happy to, but that was when I had a more idealized version of him in my head.

See, on the dates that we went on, while he always treated me well, he was very blunt with me. One of the things that he seemed fond of saying was that he liked going on dates with me because I was "fun". "Fun" meaning relaxed and easy-going, just moving with the flow and adapting to whatever situation we happened to be in. He didn't feel like he had to overly do things nor like he had to try to impress me.

While I appreciated his forthrightness about not seeing me as a more permanent fixture in his life (at least in a romantic sense), at the same time it hurt to be seemingly so easily dismissed as an option.

At the time, I knew he was experimenting himself by dating a lot of other women. I think he ended up going on a date with just about everyone of his friends that were girls before he finally settled on one (later on, after they were engaged, they broke up and I was once again a consolation date).

The following are some of the things that I've learned from my experience with him (and hence why I don't want to see him again):

While I appreciate a guy who will tell it like it is--it helps to do so with some tact.

If all you're going to do while we're hanging out is criticize your roommate, there really are better things that I could be doing with my time. You need to look for the good in people, too. I don't mind occasional griping, but when that's all you talked about (and it's about someone I actually like), it's not a good thing. Thank you for seeing that I can offer a good listening ear, but I'm done.

I don't want to be someone's consolation prize. He never said anything about his ex (other than to briefly explain some of what had happened, things that I already knew about to a degree because of our mutual friends), but I still had the feeling that I was like "second-best". I don't know that he said this, but it was like I was a practice round before he jumped into dating again.

It made me feel flat-out used. And I don't like feeling used.

So, some things I'm looking for in a guy:

• Honesty and openness, but with some tact (or at least a hint that you actually care what I feel about whatever it is that we're talking about...particularly about our relationship or lack thereof). I don't want to be led on, I don't want to have thing just assumed (especially from my own view...I've been hurt too much in the past), but I also don't want to feel like I'm smaller than I am.
• Treated well (doors opened for me and all that jazz). Yes, I am old-fashioned that way. But I'm also pig-headed and "independent". I may feel the need to reciprocate and open the door for you in return. Please understand that, while confusing, it's also a part of my nature to want to serve my friends and loved ones
• Someone who can make me laugh, especially when I'm being a grumpy gus. I need someone who will shock me out of my pity party and distract me from focusing so much on myself and my problems. And I truly do value laughter--it's medicine for my heart.
• A "safe" person. Someone I can share my thoughts with (even the goofy middle-of-the-night-doesn't-make-sense-to-anyone-but-me thoughts). If you aren't willing to listen to the goofy thoughts, I'm not going to be altogether likely to share my deeper thoughts--for how can I share with you my most precious thoughts, the ones from deep in my core, when you won't even share in my more surface-level ones?
• Realize that I do have an opinion--and allow me to express it on occasion.
• Don't simply regard me as a "fun" person. There is so much more to me than the what I show you on the surface. Be willing to go deeper. And when we do go deeper, be gentle with my heart--it's a very fragile thing that I try to protect at all costs.
• Don't make me feel like I'm second-rate, that you're settling for me because there wasn't anything better out there. I won't flourish in a relationship where I'm valued at less than I am truly worth.
• Above all else, I want a man who is more in love with Christ than he is with me. That is the only way I will play second-best willingly. If, indeed, a marriage is about mirroring the relatinship that Christ has with the church, I don't want to follow someone who is going to lead me away from my ultimate best (in every sense of the word) friend. I want someone who will help lead and guide me into a deeper relationship with Him.

A tall order? Maybe.

Fully worth having?

You betcha.