It's a constant choice...

2013 has been....well, rather rough, to say the least.  Job-wise and socially things have been going okay--even great at times.  But my family...The dynamics of my family have shifted so dramatically over the last few months that I can't even begin to define them anymore.

Every time I start to settle in to what seems like our new "normal", it changes on me.

And for those of you who know me, I don't always handle change very well.

There are several things that I have been learning as I have gone through this process and even more areas where I am having to learn to trust God.

What I Am Learning
1)  There is no support system like the Body of Christ.
I think this is where I have learned and grown the most over the last several months.  The night that I found out my grandfather had passed away, I was at Joy in the Evening (a women's Bible study group where I lead).  I was actually in the sound booth preparing for the evening when I got the call from my mom.

Immediately after receiving the news, I knew in my heart that (as hard as the night was going to be) there was nowhere else I wanted to be.  My brother and my parents are not believers.  My mom was in Boise with Grandma and Grandpa anyway.   And while my brother and my dad were here in town, I knew that they wouldn't be able to support me in the way that I needed.

What I needed at that moment (and what God so richly provided) was a group of amazing women to come alongside me, wrap me in hug after hug after hug, and prayer after prayer after prayer.  A dear friend brought me a fantastic dinner, and several people stepped up to fulfill the roles that I was supposed to play that night, taking a burden off of my shoulders.

The following night, my small group came alongside me as well in prayer, offering a different kind of support, but a good kind of support.

Since that time, there have been many days where I have broken down entirely and lost all ability to cope.  And constantly, God has placed people in my path or helped me to reach out to them to let them know that I am in need.

2)  When I am in need, I have to say something.  The Holy Spirit will not always prompt someone to contact or pray for me at just the right moment without me actually saying something to them about that need.

It could seem like a prideful thing--like I have to operate independently of the Holy Spirit, doing His job.  That's not what I mean at all.  There are times when I have to voice just how needy I am.  Not necessarily to bring it to the attention of others, but for me to realize just how broken I am and how desparately I need God to help me in my brokenness.

3)  It's okay to share with others.

I come from a family who (like a lot of families) doesn't like to "air their dirty laundry".  There are several reasons and rationalizations for this.  A lot of them stem from bad experiences in the past.  I know, because I have been hurt in the past when I shared something and someone took advantage of my vulnerability and hurt me and then I threw up barriers as a result.

Building up walls to block out others is not always the healthy option, my friends.  Yes, we are to guard our hearts with all diligence, but we are also meant to have gates and passageways into our hearts so that we allow others in.  To cut ourselves off entirely is to remove a very important tool that God longs to use in our lives.

This doesn't mean that we tell EVERYBODY every single little thing that is going on in our lives (good, bad, and ugly).  We need to have key people (at least two) who we can turn to when we find we are in need.

For awhile, I kept silent about what was going on in the lives of my family.  But there came a point where it was eating me alive.  I was wearing one face around my small group, an entirely different one at home, and yet another one with other people.  I couldn't keep up with it anymore.

The burden of my pain and heartbreak for my family became too much for me to bear.  And so I told my small group.  That night, something within me broke loose and I felt a huge burden come off my shoulders.  And a sense of peace washed over me.  A peace that has been rather elusive lately.

Which leads me to my next point...

4)  Sometimes we have to clear the junk out of our hearts in order to make room for what God wants to put in there.

About a month ago, I was reading the story about Hannah, the mother of Samuel.  She was barren and had been tormented by her husband's second wife for years.  The Bible said that one day, "In bitterness of soul", she went to the temple to pray to the Lord.

The phrase "bitterness of soul" caught my attention.  I don't think of myself as a really bitter person, but I do know that bitterness is something that I can easily fall into if I'm not careful.

So I asked the Lord "Is there any area in my life where I am suffering from 'bitterness of soul'?"

Yeesh...be careful what you ask the Lord sometimes.

God started bringing to mind thing after thing after thing regarding my circumstances.  He gently pointed out that, although these were not areas where I was bitter yet, they were areas where I had unresolved anger.  And I know from past experience that anger that is not dealt with will just become bitterness.

So that night I sat and confessed to God all of the different things I was angry about (particularly the areas where I was angry with Him).

Since then, I feel like I have been constantly confessing areas where I have fallen short or areas where I have allowed anger to rise up again.  And there are days when I feel so defeated and seriously wonder just how loveable I really am.

But then...God is faithful to remind me of His deep, deep love for me.  And slowly that anger, resentment, sense of defeat, were all replaced with a sense of love, compassion, and gentleness that I couldn't define.

Things that I wouldn't have been able to experience if I hadn't cleared out the junk that was lurking in my heart first.

Promises I Am Trying to Cling To
1)  God is in control.
Nothing that has happened over the course of this last year has caught Him by surprise.  Although it may feel like I'm constantly being stretched to my breaking point and cannot bear up under the load that has been placed on me, He knows when to draw the line.

2)  God will provide me strength when I am at my weakest.
This has been demonstrated through the people that He has brought into my life (like I mentioned above).  It has also been shown when He brings a certain passage, lesson, or line from a song to my attention.  Those seemingly tiny things can encourage me to take one more step and strengthen my spirit for one more moment.

3)  God is able to do anything, no matter how hopeless the situation may seem.
This one is one of the biggest struggles.  I am constantly having to remind myself that God can do anything.  To the point where it's become a phrase that I have become numb to and casually dismiss.

But then, God brings to mind an area where I am not trusting His ability and I am brought to my knees and the cycle starts all over again.  "God is able...God is able...God is able..."

4)  Regardless of my circumstances, God is good.
This means that, even though He chooses to allow bad circumstances to happen, His character has not changed--He is still good.  He is not a mean, spiteful, or vindictive Being, but a loving, faithful, forgiving One.

5)  God can be fully trusted with the people and things that comprise my world.
To be perfectly honest, I can't help but feel that if I really trusted that God is in control, He has more than enough strength, He is able to anything and He is good, then it'd be far easier for me to entrust the people in my life (particularly my family) to Him.

At the Women of Faith Conference this past weekend, they played one of my favorite worship songs "Healer".  I was trying to sing along, but stopped because I sensed questions rising up in my spirit (whether they were from God or they were my own is something I'm not sure about).

I believe You're my healer  (Do you really?)
I believe You are all I need  (Then why do you long for so many other things?)
I believe You're my portion (How much of your portion?)
I believe You're more than enough for me (Do you really?)
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You  (Do you really believe that?)
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

It was when they sang "You hold my world in Your hands" that I broke.  The realization that God truly does hold my world, those things and people that I hold near and dear, in His hands.  And the realization that I didn't like what He was letting happen in my world.  As though (as arrogant as it sounds), I could do a better job than He was doing.

That night, alone in my hotel room, I wrestled with God.  I poured out a ton of ugly things from my heart and begged Him for answers to different things.  I even wrote a question/fear that had been nagging at my heart:

If God chooses not to answer my prayer in the way that I want Him to, will I still see Him as good?  I honestly don't know.  And the thought scares and saddens me.  Lord, show me Your good in the middle of this mess.

I was reminded of the head coach and his wife from "Facing the Giants".  When they were struggling with their grief over realizing that it would be impossible for them to have a baby of their own, he asked her "Even if God doesn't give us a child, will you still love Him?"  At the time, she didn't give him an answer.

But then, towards the end of the movie, when her last hope of pregnancy seems to be gone, she tells God that she has resolved to still love Him, regardless of whether or not that hope was going to be fulfilled.

There is a resolve there that I sensed in my own heart.

Even through all of the questioning, the doubt, the hurt, the pain, and everything else, I knew/know one thing.  Lysa Terkeurst put it so eloquently in a Facebook post she made recently:

Real faith isn’t a hopeful wish. Real faith is making the decision that no matter the outcome, we’ll choose to see it as God’s perfect answer.

Through the good. Through the not-so-good. And even through the down right awful- we will trust God. Now, this doesn’t mean we won’t cry and express hurt. But it does mean we’ve decided it’s better to have lived trying to take leaps of faith with God, than to walk away from Him.

 Let me draw your attention to the part that stood out to me."We've decided it's better to have lived trying to take leaps of faith with God, than to walk away from Him."

The one thing I know for sure is that I do not wish to walk away from God.  He has proven Himself time and time again.  And I know that if I'm patient during this time, and stick with Him, doing whatever He asks me to do, He will do it yet again.

There is one final area where I'm trying to trust God:

That He would bring me joy in the midst of these circumstances.

Tonight, I had the privilege of attending a living room concert by Jon Troast.  He's a pretty neat guy who loves going from house to house, sharing his music with others.  One of the songs he did resonated with me.  It was called "Joy".

But one line in particular resonated with me:

It's a constant choice
To say "I will rejoice"
Even when the tears are falling...

And my goodness, have the tears been falling lately.  I am still trying to figure out what rejoicing in the midst of these tears looks like.  But I am hopeful that God will show me.

Perhaps this blog entry is the start of Him showing me how to rejoice in the midst of the tears.  To review the things that He has taught me and is still teaching me.  To remind myself of all that He's done and remind my soul of all that He has promised to do.

It really is a constant choice...to choose to follow after God, not letting the circumstances dictate how I respond.

May I not only choose to say "I will rejoice", but may I actually rejoice.

The lyrics and a video for the song are below.

Joy

By Jon Troast

(from his album, With, To, From)

 

Joy

Joy tells me to sing

Joy

Joy tells me to sing

 

When I don’t

feel like I can

Somewhere in my heart

Joy strikes up the band

And my voice rings out

Singin’ “Hallelujah”

For the morning

And my voice rings out

Singin’ “Hallelujah”

Well, I don’t know when

This night will end

When it does I’m gonna be singin’

Joy

Joy helps me to sing

Joy

Joy helps me to sing

 

When it feels like

I’m all alone

Somewhere in the night

Joy picks up the song 

And my voice rings out

Singin’ “Hallelujah”

For the morning

And my voice rings out

Singin’ “Hallelujah”

Well, I don’t know when

This night will end

When it does I’m gonna be singin’…

 It’s a constant choice

To say “I will rejoice”

Even when the tears are falling

 

And my voice rings out

Singin’ “Hallelujah”

For the morning

And my voice rings out

Singin’ “Hallelujah”

And my voice rings out

Singin’ “Hallelujah”

For the morning

Still my voice rings out

Singin’ “Hallelujah”

Well I don’t know when

This night will end

When it does I’m gonna be

When it does I’m gonna be

When it does I’m gonna be singin’