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For several weeks this year, I was doing well meeting (and even surpassing) my goals. But then a setback happened and I found myself in a tailspin. It started as a minor thing, but has since grown into a larger thing. And now, several weeks later, I am trying to find my way back.
I know last week I posted this blog about how I needed to just get out there and do the things that I knew I should be doing. But after maybe two days of trying to get back on track, I found myself back to where I had started.
Like Paul, I found myself thinking "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Romans 7:15)
Do be do be do....lalala...
Sorry, couldn't resist.
At any rate, I find that I'm conflicted. I know what I should do. I know what I would like to do. But I simply don't do it.
There's something lying at the root of this inaction that I can't quite put my finger on just yet.
At least, not until this afternoon.
To back up a bit, one of the things that I feel like I've been lacking to a large degree with the goals I had set, particularly my weight loss/healthy lifestyle goals, was how God fit into all of it. I honestly believe that the reason I have not had complete success as of yet is because I have not been allowing God to work through the whole process as He should. Rather than Him telling me what I should do, I've been telling Him things like:
"Okay, here's the plan. I'm going to workout Monday/Wednesday/Friday at water aerobics...and then Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday, I'm going to do XYZ...I will be eating like this...I will be doing that...And, oh, by the way, could you go ahead and just bless these efforts while I'm at it? Cuz ultimately this is gonna glorify You. You know that, right?"
The thing is, He does know that my efforts are going to glorify Him. He's planned it that way. But the way I've been going about it is not the same way that He wants me to go about it. See, the deal is that He wants to show me what it is that He would have me do and have me obey--the blessings would just pour out from that obedience. He doesn't need me dictating to Him my little plan for weight loss. And in fact, I think sometimes that He purposefully stops my loss just to get my attention.
But what happens often is that instead of turning to Him, like I should, I turn to other things, other means of comfort and security (shaky as they may be).
So, in order to better integrate my spiritual walk with my physical walk, I started reading Lose it For Life by Stephen Arterburn and Dr. Linda Mintle. I've also been doing the lessons in the workbook that goes along with it, taking a little chunk at a time (breaking up what should be in one day's lesson over several days). The past couple of sections I've been doing (for week 1, day 3 of the study) has been dealing with the issue of surrender. Here's what they had to say about surrender:
Surrender is not passivity, nor is it resignation. It is an active, conscious turning towards God, reflecting our willingness to submit to His power and to share His our truth with others. Surrender means:
- Admitting that God is all-powerful and releasing our struggles to Him
- Refusing to escape into the old patterns, habits and attitudes that continue to distract us from destructive direction of our lives
- No longer saying, "I can handle this myself."
- Humbling ourselves and submitting to God's way of doing things, even though we don't understand them.
The question that followed was asking us if that definition of surrender filled us with excitement or fear. Initially, I said that it didn't really do either to me. But then I began thinking about it as I read through the list again.
I just could not turn away from or stop thinking about the second one, saying that surrender means "refusing to escape into old patterns, habits and attitudes that continue to distract us from the destructive direction of our lives". At first I thought I was reading it wrong, but what I think it means is that we are refusing to go back to the patterns that we have so often relied upon to distract us from the direction our lives are really taking.
I know I tend to retreat and seek distraction when things get rough and I don't want to think about them. I turn to things like books, movies, TV, even things on the internet just to keep my mind off of what's going on in my life or in the lives of those around me.
For other people it may mean turning to video games, alcohol, drugs, food, music, exercise, work...anything that will keep our minds occuppied and away from facing up to what reality has to show us.
As much as I desire to lose weight and get fit, I fear it. There is at least one specific fear that this is forcing me to face up to (one that I would rather not detail here at this time). Let's just say that I've been hurt in the past and from that point on, I started trying to hide behind my weight--turning to food and leisure activities like reading or watching TV instead of finding other means to cope with those feelings.
Now, to be fair, I don't know that I really understood that there were better ways to cope with this situation (I was quite young). But, what happened has happened and there is nothing I can do about that except try to learn from that experience, specifically learning how to cope in a different manner.
In order to overcome this area of my life, I have to start refusing to give in to those coping habits that I have learned. I need to start facing up to what happened in the past--and that, in and of itself, is another reason why I haven't let myself go as far along this journey as I would have liked. The idea of having to face up to past hurts scares me (in a way) because I don't want to to live through that pain again.
And so I find myself stuck in a cycle. I get going well, but then after one setback I stop myself and allow myself to retreat, to start turning to my old familiar "friends" that have helped me cope in the past. And I get upset with myself for turning to those friends in the first place. And in order to feel better about that, I turn to them even more...and the process continues until I reach a point where I just don't know what to do.
Paul went through something similar.
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleased with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."
~ II Corinthians 12:8-9
Now my "thorn" is not necessarily a messenger of Satan (although some days it certainly feels like it), but it is a thorn nonetheless. And I, too, have wondered why it hasn't been taken away from me, despite my pleas for help. But the answer lies in that same passage. It's so that I can know and experience God's grace, which is sufficient for me.
See, every time I have a setback and turn to other things to cope, it's turning me away from God. It's not that God hasn't provided those things to help me cope from time to time, but it's those times when I rely on them more than I rely on Him that I am choosing to sin. Because to turn from God is one of the definitions of sin.
And we all know what helps us with getting rid of the stain sin leaves behind...it's God's grace.
In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.
~ Ephesians 1:7-8
One of the things that I have learned is that the reason why "refusing to escape into old patterns..." stood out to me in the list of what it means to surrender is because that is one of the areas of my life where I need to surrender the most. I have turned to those things because I haven't quite been ready to admit that they will not help me--only God can help me. And when I don't choose to surrender those areas to Him, I am sinning.
But...there's a verse in Lamentations that says God's mercies/compassions/grace is new every morning.
And I, for one, plan on taking full advantage of that when the next "every morning" comes.
Never confuse a single failure with a final failure.
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