If I fly or if I fall, it's in Your hands...

Last week I shared about how God has been helping me work through one of the labels I have placed on myself--"Unworthy".  As I was going through the questions in the "Unglued" participant's guide (the one that goes along with the DVD series), another one--perhaps a bigger one--hit me.

"Failure".

For years this is a label that I have been struggling with.  It has dictated how I have dealt with others, what choices I have made, and had a ripple effect that I'm sure I didn't even realize.

I learned fairly early on that when I failed at something, there was going to be disappointment on someone's part.  Typically, the disappointment was mine moreso than it was any one else's.  And I'm sure I ended up projecting that disappointment on people when they really didn't feel that way to begin with.

Because I didn't like the feeling of disappointing someone (particularly myself) and actually feared it, I did a couple of things.  1)  I stopped having higher expectations of myself.  And 2) I quit trying.

I was texting with a friend of mine earlier today.  The conversation started off talking about a 5K race we were thinking about doing in November.  The thing is, if we were going to do it, we were hoping to pay the registration fee sooner rather than later.

We were going back and forth about this a little bit and after careful consideration, I told her that we probably shouldn't do the race because we could probably both use the registration money for something else...like registering for Bloomsday (a 12K race that takes place in May).

I was saying it half in jest (and I'm pretty sure she knew that), but the conversation continued about Bloomsday.

I have done Bloomsday with this particular friend 3 times in the past.  Each time has been an experience in and of itself.  And we've learned different things along the way.  But the one thing that I (at least) can never get down is making and sticking with a training schedule.  Oh, I'll sit down and make a plan and perhaps even stick with it for a few weeks.  But then something comes up or takes priority and suddenly I'm staring at the race one week away and freaking out because I haven't trained as well as I could have.

As we were texting, she said something about how there are 30 weeks until the race.  I said something back about that being over half a year away.  Her reply was something about how we could do a couch to 5K training and then a 10K training program and then continue to push the distance until we get up to Bloomsday's length (or have some wiggle room on the training schedule).

She then said something to the effect of "Or, we could do a training program for a half-marathon and then the distance will be no problem" (I think there was something also mixed in there about this being a genius idea).

To which I replied something along the lines of "Bwahahahahahahahaha...you are one funny lady. ;)"

I think I actually snorted in disbelief, too.

But then her reply came back: "You don't give yourself enough credit, Erin.  You can do this..." and continued talking about a plan.  But it was when I received that reply that something in my spirit sensed I was at a crossroads.  And I sensed that it wasn't really her speaking those words to me, but God.

Immediately, pieces of two verses floated through my head:

See, I set before you today life and prosperity... ~ Deuteronomy 30:15

And then:

...your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." ~ Isaiah 30:21

At that moment, I knew that I had a choice to make.  I could choose to remain bound up in the label of "Failure" or I could dare to believe that something would be different this time.

Humbled, and with tears spilling down my cheeks, I wrote back "Okay" and something else that indicated we should go ahead with training.

See, what isn't difficult for me to believe is that I can do Bloomsday.  I've already proved that 3 times over.  But what is difficult for me to believe is that I can actually do the training involved...and potentially push myself beyond that limit.  That is something I have been sorely lacking because of the fear that I would be a failure.

The funny thing is, I love stories about how people do things in the face of failure--and keep trying until they succeed.  I love stories about the underdog.  I think that's why I love "Cinderella Man" (about James J. Braddock, boxing champion) and "Miracle" (about the US Men's hockey team from 1980).  There are countless others, too.  There is just something about those stories that makes me want to strive for something bigger, but then...fear...steps in.  And for whatever reason, I stop myself from even starting because I listen to the lies being whispered to my heart about how I could never succeed.

Failure.  Is whispered to my heart so clearly.  And (up until now), not knowing any different, I would say "Okay" and step back.

But now I know different.  And (to quote GI Joe) "Knowing is half the battle."

There is something empowering about knowing that I have a choice in this.  That I don't have to be subject to my old ways.  And while my heart grieves over the fact that I kept making the choice not to try because I was so caught up in that trap, it rejoices in the fact that there is a better choice that God has laid before me.

Sometimes what I love about God is His sense of irony.  Do not think for one moment that the fact that He gave me a verse that told me to "walk" was lost on me.  When I realized that what I would be doing as part of my training would be walking, I giggled.

His sense of timing is fantastic as well.  I happened to be listening to Group 1 Crew's album "Fearless" at the time.  One of the songs from that album really struck a chord with me.  "Steppin' Out" (see below for lyrics and the video).

So...I have made the choice to take a path that leads to life--one of obedience to God--and I heard His voice saying "This is the way; walk in it."  And I plan to.

Literally.

Steppin' Out

By Group 1 Crew

(from their album Fearless)

I feel called to something more

Beyond what I have known

I keep shutting out that voice that cries

Deep within my soul

"I have more to give"

But I have been afraid

And then I hear You say

It's still not too late

I'm steppin' out to take a chance

and if I fly or if I fall

It's in Your hands

You're the maker of my dreams

And You'll make a way for me

So I'm steppin' out

I'm steppin' out

To take a chance

To take a chance

I'm alive, I want to live

And I am not content

To keep holding back all that I am

The way that I have been

I am Yours to use

And when I am afraid

You'll come close to say

"One step is all it takes"

I'm steppin' out to take a chance

and if I fly or if I fall

It's in Your hands

You're the maker of my dreams

And You'll make a way for me

So I'm steppin' out

I'm steppin' out

I believe in the grace You've shown me

I believe in the words You say

I believe there's an untold story

That You're telling through me

I believe in the grace You've shown me

I believe in the words You say

I believe there's an untold story

That You're telling through me

I'm steppin' out to take a chance

and if I fly or if I fall

It's in Your hands

You're the maker of my dreams

And You'll make a way for me

So I'm steppin' out

I'm steppin' out

To take a chance

To take a chance

Redeemed (Peeling Off My Label)

As humans, I think we like to categorize things.  We put labels on things for several different reasons.  One of those reasons is to take a larger concept and simplify it so it can be more easily understood.  Another reason is it helps us to keep organized.

In the garden, Adam was given the privilege of assigning names to each of the animals that God created.  He even was able to assign his wife her first two names ("Woman" literally meaning "Soft" and "Eve" meaning "Living").  (Check out Genesis 2 & 3 for the story).

This propensity for labeling things was built into us.  We continue this tradition with different things like naming/labeling our children, naming/labeling our animals, and (for some) naming/labeling our cars.  And while labeling things does have it's good points, there are also some negative points.

Sometimes we think that because we are labeled or called something, that is all we are ever capable of being.

In the preschool I used to work at, I saw this played out in the lives of the children.  One of them was (at the time) a three year-old boy who had difficulties working with his teacher.  They were always butting heads for one reason or another.  He was labeled a rebllious, difficult child and lived up to that label.  It was all that was expected of him, so that was all he knew and all that he thought he was capable of doing.

The solution to the problem was to move him out of the classroom he was in and into a different classroom.  But the behavior issues continued--along with the labels that he had been given.  At this point, he had been told repeatedly that he was naughty, that he was dumb (although not quite that word), and that he was difficult.  A sad thing for someone so young.

No one could see anything else in him, because that was all they were ever told he was.  He couldn't even see the potential in himself because that was all he ever saw.

So often we get blinded to the potential within others--but most importantly, within ourselves because of the labels that we are given.  We think that we are doomed to remain that way for several reasons:

1. We are so entrenched in that label--in that lie, we develop a sort of tunnel vision that will not allow us to see anything different.  It's like we are surrounded by wall after wall that is covered with that label written upon it.  The writing is so thick that it covers up the paint, wallpaper, and windows underneath.
2. We have tried separating ourselves from the label, but have failed so many times that we have resigned ourselves to "This is the way it is" and we don't dare try again for fear of failing and experiencing that disappointment again
3. We have had that label for so long, we don't know that there is anything different--that there is something better out there.
4. We don't dare hope that there is something better out there for us because we have experienced so much disappointment.  The pain of that disappointment keeps us from trying at all and daring to dream.

Lysa Terkeurst had this to say in her book Unglued:

Some prisons don't require bars to keep people locked inside.  All it takes is their perception that they belong there.  A soul who believes she can't leave...doesn't. (pg. 34)

This was true of the little boy...and it is true in my own life.

I think the biggest label and prison I have been locked inside has been the label "Unworthy".

So many of the problems that I have been dealing with over the course of the last year stem from the lie that I am not worthy--not worthy of other people's time, not worthy of other people's attention, not even worthy of my own time and attention.  The lie that I am not a valuable person and that I have very little to contribute outside of a few key things.  The label of "unworthy to be loved".

I can't pinpoint the precise moment when this happened, but I do know that it is something that has been whispered to my heart over the course of several years.  Primarily it has come through the actions of others--intentional or unintentional though they may have been.

And as time has gone on, those thoughts and ideas have taken hold.  The movie Inception puts it this way:

"What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm?"

"Uh...What Mr. Cobb is trying to say--"
"An idea. Resilient, highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate...An idea that is fully formed, fully understood that sticks, right in there somewhere..."

 What I didn't really appreciate until now was the phrase "Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate..."

Almost.

That word gives me so much hope.

Does it do the same for you?

The song "Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave expresses this idea so beautifully to me.  Please take a moment to listen to the song.

This past year, God has really taken me through a lot with regards to how I view myself.  Some of the behaviors in my life were things that I didn't realize were born out of the belief that I was unworthy.  And not "unworthy" in the humbling sense of the word, but "unworthy" in the most negative sense possible.

I have felt (and still feel, at times), so much like the first verse:

Seems like all I could see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that live in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last

I was living in so much defeat--surrounded by these things that told me repeatedly that I was unworthy of so much.  I had tried to live out a life that seemed worthy, but everything I tried eventually failed.

And I grew tired.

Ever so tired.

And one of the things that I kept telling myself was that I have been stuck in this place because something in me--if not all of me-- is undeserving of being healed, of being unstuck.

I have found myself living out the second verse:

All my life I have been called unworthy

Named by the voice of my shame and regret

Something in me, though, has been whispering "Something isn't quite right here."  And as I started listening to that small voice, I came to a realization.

This realization was expressed so well in the song, too:

Then you look at this prisoner

And say to me "Son,

Stop fighting a fight that's already been won."

But when I hear You whisper:

"Child, lift up your head"

I remember, O God, You're not done with me yet

I didn't need to be fighting this fight.

Not at all.

And certainly not in my own strength.

This is a fight that God has already fought on my behalf.  This is a fight that He has already won.  And, if I choose to come alongside Him and be on His team, I will have already won as well.

And those times when I do find that I am weary and all I can see is the struggle against this label called "Unworthy", I need to lift up my head.  I need to lift up my head and remember that God isn't through with me yet.

And that, in and of itself, should be a sign that I am totally worthwhile.

The bridge expresses the reason why I don't have to be bound up in the shackles of my labels. 

Because I don't have to be

The old man inside of me

Cuz his day is long dead and gone

Becuase I've got a new name

A new life, I'm not the same

And a hope that will carry me home

Ephesians 4:22-23 tells us to put off our old self--that because Christ has redeemed us, we no longer are subject to its desires and imprisonment.  Instead, we are to put on our "new self".  In several places in the Bible, it says that when we believe Jesus, we have been given a new name and, as a result, are to live out Romans 12:2:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

One of the ways that we renew our minds is to saturate them in truth--to spend time in God's Word.  It could mean spending more time in the Bible.  It could mean memorizing Scripture.  It could mean studying Scripture.

There are so many different forms this can take.

For me, this means exchanging my old label "Unworthy" for a new label.  In thinking about this, there are actually two labels that I would exchange "Unworthy" for.

Redeemed.

Worthy.

It is because I am redeemed by God through Jesus' sacrifice that I am made worthy.

It is because I am redeemed that I can shake off the chains that have bound me for years and live a life of "worth".

It is because I am redeemed that the stain of "unworthy" can be wiped clean from my heart and my mind.

God has changed me from someone who was unworthy into someone who is totally worthy.

Thus enabling me to proclaim:

I am redeemed

You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

And wipe away every stain

I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed

Lord, I know I haven't arrived yet.  I still struggle mightily with the label "Unworthy", but I know that You have set me free from this label.  It is no longer something that I have to wear.  It is something that was wiped out when Jesus died for me on the cross.  Please forgive me for believing the lie that I am unworthy and not believing what You have said in Your Word about my worth.  Help me to find my worth in You--only in You.

And Lord, for whatever other negative labels I have stuck to me, please forgive me and chisel away at them.  I no longer want to be known as those things.  Do such a work in me that, in a year, I can look at myself and say "Who is this You are making me to be?"

P.S.  For those of you who are wondering, the little boy was given a new label.  God opened my eyes and heart to help me see good in him that (with God's help) I was able to draw out.  It's been 8 years since I last saw him, but I really believe it was the start of something new and good in his life.  And I hope and pray that he has been living out the new labels he was given--not the old, negative ones.

The Power of Words

Oh, there is so much to write about.

Words...words truly have the power to hurt and the power to heal.  The power to destroy and the power to build up.  The power to kill and the power to give life.

So much of what happens in my head and comes out of my mouth during my "unglued" moments are negative words.  Words that destroy when they should be building.  Words that cut deep when they should be healing.

I'm reading in the One Year Bible and came across this passage in Ephesians:

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Eph. 4:22-24)

So much of what God has been teaching me has been about old versus new.  He has been doing a healing work in my life in so many different areas.  A common thread is beginning to appear (I think) that has to do with developing relationships where I feel safe.  To learn to trust people again and be open, even--dare I say--vulnerable.  To know that if God is calling me to share a piece of my heart with someone that it is okay.  And to trust that if the person hurts or breaks it in some way, God has a reason and He will heal that hurt.

It may seem like a lot of what I'm going through is about forgiveness.  And that would be true, at least in part.  But I think a lot of it also has to do with getting rid of these old thought patterns--these words that I would speak to myself that have no truth or love in them.

"I have been damaged by hurts in my past and can never let myself be open to that kind of pain again."

"People aren't trustworthy because I have been hurt by them."

That defensive mechanism is not a good one to have.  It doesn't allow space for grace--which I'm learning I need, not only for myself, but also for others.

See, the thing that I'm finding is that I've been projecting that hurt I feel from others on to God.  I have been angry at God and hurt because He has allowed certain hurts to come into my life.  For me to admit that is no small feat.

And as a result, God doesn't "feel" safe.  And "not safe" for me means "not trustworthy".

But here's what I'm learning:

God may not "feel" safe, but He is totally trustworthy.  He has taken those hurts, those pains (some of them 20 years old) and He has been changing them.  He has been healing them and helping me work through them.

And because of those hurts and those pains that God has helped/is helping me through, I am then able to help others.

But first things first: I have to "put off" that old self--that old way of thinking.  And I have to "put on" a new way of thinking.

That new way of thinking involves knowing that God is a good God who has my best interests at heart.  And trusting that whatever I'm going through will work out for my good--even when I don't see how.

Lysa Terkeurst had this to say in her book Unglued:

Yes, I can face things that are out of my control and not act out of control.  This would be my new thought...But I couldn't just say it or think it.  I had to believe it.  And in order to believe it, I had to settle a matter of trust in my heart.  Could I trust God and believe that He is working out something good even from things that seem no good? (pg. 24)

See, that really is what it boils down to.  When I choose to put myself out there and share a piece of me and someone takes advantage of that or hurts me in some way, can I still trust that God is good and He will work something good out of this thing that seems no good?

So I give myself positive words.  I speak life to my heart and my soul by reminding myself of the healing that God has done in my life--the healing that He is still doing in my life.  I speak life to my heart and soul when I remind them that God is trustworthy.  And I speak life to my heart and soul when I do what Scripture says.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.  "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold...Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:25-27, 29:32)

Tonight when I read this passage, I came to the realization that this is also true of the talk that we do with ourselves.  We need to be honest with ourselves--not hiding behind a mask of some sort.  We need to acknowledge when we are angry--acknowledge it, but not revel in it or indulge it.  That way the devil has no place to cling to when he tries to attack us.

And when we have that running dialogue in our head that talks about what a failure we are, that we can't do anything right, that we're unworthy and that we can't trust anyone--we need to stop that because it only serves to tear ourselves (and others) down.

We need to remember that God has forgiven us for those things that we have said or done that cause pain in our lives and in the lives of others.  We also need to extend grace to those people who have caused us pain and remind ourselves that we are no better than they--Christ died for their sin just as much as He died for our own.

And I want those words of life to come when I most need it--during those times when I am worn out and can't see what God is up to.

But there is something else, too.

I want to be able to say this:

The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary... (Isaiah 50:4a)

I want to be able to say that I have taken those words of encouragement, those things that God has used to strengthen me and then use them to strengthen someone else when they needed it most.

I want to speak truth--not lies.

I want to build up--not destroy.

I want to speak life--never death.

Lord, give me that instructed tongue.  Give me a love for others that would cause me to be courageous and speak words that would give life and sustain someone.  Open my eyes to see those in need of an encouraging word and open my ears to hear what it is You would have me say.