Holding high my chains undone...

Today, my friends, I had a bit of a breakthrough.

This morning I (somewhat reluctantly) got up and went for a walk/jog. I have officially begun week 4 of Couch to 5K training. "What is so significant about that?" you may ask. Well, this is the first week where you are actually jogging more than you are walking.

Yes, you read right: jogging MORE than walking.

Today the goal was to walk for only 2 minutes and then jog for 3 minutes. And as much of a challenge as it sounded like this morning when I was laying in bed, it really wasn't all that bad.

The thing is, you repeat this repetition 5 times.

But, I persevered and made it through (not in my own strength, mind you).

See, today I was very much aware of some outside help spurring me on and encouraging me to push through the muscle fatigue that was becoming harder and harder to resist as I passed the halfway point in my workout.

What outside help?

Well, God, of course.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. ~ Phil 4:13

Like a friend of mine on blogspot, I found myself quoting this like a mantra when I was getting my stuff gathered together to head out the door.

To give you a glimpse into my mindset as I was entering my workout: I was already late getting out of bed and on my way out the door. I was worried about the fact that I couldn't find my package of travel kleenix that I normally carry with me. I was already wanting to lose the water bottle I carried in my hands because it was making my hands colder than they were to begin with (and yes, I was wearing gloves). I was tired. I was ready to go back home, curl up in a ball, and bag the whole thing. But, I went anyway.

And as I was jogging, this song came on. Initially I registered the song with simply an "Oh, I like this song!" But then I wondered about the pace of the song (it is a little slower) and was debating briefly about skipping it. As I started debating about it, the chorus came on:

To the cross I run, holding high my chains undone
And now I'm finally free,
free to be what I've become

And as I heard those words, I felt my heart and spirit lift. My steps grew lighter (which takes some doing when I'm jogging), and I began claiming those words as my own. The second verse caught my attention:

Even in defeat, the face of tragedy
Still you have to say that I found victory
In brokenness comes beauty, divine fragility
Reminding me of nail-scarred hands reaching out for me

I had woken up this morning feeling slightly defeated (and trust me, that's not the best way to begin your morning) and yet the fact that I actually walked out of my door (despite the late start) was victory in and of itself.

And I knew at that moment that it wasn't a victory that I won on my own. I knew it was God encouraging me, nudging me towards my workout clothes, tennis shoes, and other gear and pushing me out the door. I felt a freedom in jogging that I have NEVER felt before. And the really cool thing? I began to worship as I was jogging.

I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever worshipped while I was jogging before. And yeah, as time went on in my workout I felt myself dragging more and more. But, the brief worship session I had with God has carried me through to this point and time as I type these words.

It is because of Christ I am free from the chains that have bound me and caused me to get to where I am today. I am free from the binges, free from my compulsion to eat when I'm bored.

But I'm not just free FROM something. I am free TO something.

I am free to be what I've become. I am free to enjoy food in a healthy way. I am free to experience, express, and deal with my emotions in a healthy manner. But overall, I am free to experience life more fully.

And ultimately, that is what this journey is about. Losing weight and getting fit is just an added bonus.

*****
For the song (Undone by MercyMe), click below

Impossible is not a word...

My alarm went off a little over an hour ago. Lisa from the K-LOVE morning show was talking about something that she wanted the listeners to take part in and then began playing a song. I was feeling frustrated because (in my mostly-asleep brain) I could register that I could hear her and the music that she played, but there was some instrumental music that didn't fit playing as well. I kept wondering why my alarm clock was not tuning in to the station properly or why they couldn't figure it out on K-LOVE's end and fix the problem.

When I finally cracked my eyes open, I saw my TV was still on and stuck on the menu for the movie I was watching last night (Miracle, if you must know), which (if left long enough) repeats the same music over and over and over again until you select a menu option.

*sigh* Welcome to Wednesday morning, Erin.

I (as usual) slapped my snooze button and went back to bed, repeating the process a couple of times. The last time I did this, I just let the radio run while I was laying in bed. I was contemplating getting up and going to water aerobics (which, obviously, since I'm typing here I did not go to) and pondering how I felt about not going. I was just so tired and (as it has been lately) my bed was far too comfy.

Then the song I posted last night (Hope Now by Addison Road) started playing and it quieted my mind for a time while I listened to the song.

I must have heard it 10 or so times last night while I was typing up my blog (I had pulled up iTunes and stuck it on repeat), but for some reason I lay there and thought of nothing but the song and how it applied to the situation I found myself in this morning.

Like I said earlier, I was contemplating going to water aerobics, but didn't really feel like climbing out of bed. And as I was thinking about that, a feeling of hopelessness began washing over me. I have a goal in mind--to develop a healthy lifestyle (and in the process, lose some weight). I know some of the steps that I need to take in order to do so (get the proper amount of rest, exercise, and eat in a balanced way). But, like Paul, I found myself fighting, stuck between what I knew I should do (get my butt out of bed and through the door) and what I felt like doing (curling up in a ball and sleeping).

As the song was playing, hope began to fill me as I realized that there is hope for my situation/problem. Here's some of my thought process as the lyrics played on:

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of?

I wasn't feeling particularly afraid of getting out of bed or taking whatever step I needed to take this morning. I told God that I wasn't feeling up to getting out of bed and heading out the door--that I wanted to sleep some more. And as I said (in my head) that I wanted to sleep some more, the next line played:

When I call out Your Name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I am Yours

At that moment, I realized that my soul and my mind had awakened a little bit more--I was feeling slightly more alert than I had been a few minutes before. I will admit, part of me groaned at the thought of what was happening (like I said, the bed was comfy).

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith some how
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

On Sunday night, when I was at reGeneration, I felt so energized and free during the song set we were doing--much more so than I have felt in a long time. The memory of that feeling swept through my mind as I tuned into the line "Your love sets me free". And I knew that I didn't have to lay in bed, in bondage (so to speak) to the covers and the idea that I had to remain comfortable at all costs.

Well, the song ended, Lisa and Eric popped on again talking about who you would give a gold medal to (someone who doesn't normally get recognition), they chatted with a caller for a bit about her gold medalist and then started playing another song, which my mind fully tuned in to.

What Faith Can Do by Kutless. I know I've heard this song many, many times before...but never like this.

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes to make a new beginning

I recognized that I was laying there--facing the opportunity for a new beginning. See, the pattern I was going through was the same pattern I had been going through for the last week or so (minus the lying in bed thinking about the music playing on the radio). Alarm went off...I slapped the snooze button...Alarm went off...snooze button slapped again...Alarm went off...I finally gave in and reset the alarm for much later. All the while I was dealing with a sense of defeat that I couldn't shake because I couldn't find the strength to get out of my bed and do much more than walk across the room and slap the snooze button or reset the alarm.

I had been praying for a new beginning and suddenly here I was, faced with exactly that opportunity.

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know

I was aching inside, wanting to take that step but still not finding the strength to do so. And then I remembered something a friend of mine had said on Sunday. She had sent me a text message saying that she felt compelled to look up the meaning for my name. One of the meanings of "Erin" is "Peace" (which I already knew), but she said that "Aaron" (the male version of my name) means "Tower of Strength" and she had gone on to tell me that I was stronger than I realized and she found strength in our relationship (everybody say "Awwwww...").

I think that's something God has been trying to show me lately--that I'm not really so weak-willed as I once thought. I can be quite stubborn when I put my mind to it. With His help, I am victorious and I don't have to be subject to the circumstances that I find myself in, letting my emotions get swayed this way and that.

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You've gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

It was then I sensed God whispering to my heart those very words--to not give up, that there is hope, I just needed to face up to what it was that I needed to do (as undesirable as it seemed at the time).

I've seen faith that moves the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

While I did listen to the chorus, nothing really registered that was special about it just yet. I think my mind was preoccupied with thinking about my strength vs. God's strength.

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try

I felt like (and still do) my goal of living a healthy lifestyle was (in a way) impossible--that it's too much for me to accomplish. Truth be told, if I was just trying on my own, then yes it would be impossible. But just because it looks impossible doesn't mean that I should use that as an excuse. How many times have I heard stories about people who were told that what they were trying to accomplish was impossible and yet somehow they proved those naysayers wrong (from Christopher Reeves and overcoming some of his paralysis to Erik Weinemeyer and climbing mountains as well as living a normal life in spite of his blindness to the Olympics with all of their inspiring stories about overcoming injury and setbacks time and time again).

Was I going to be like the naysayers and decide that it was impossible? Or was I going to be like the heroes of my life and conquer that goal (rather than let it conquer me)?

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water, it'll be all right

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

It was then that I knew that one of the biggest things I'm going to have to overcome in this journey is my lack of belief that I can do this. That with Christ on my side anything is possible (Philippians 4:13).

I've seen faith that moves the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling

I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can

Again, I sensed God whispering to my heart that this was possible, that I could overcome the apathy and laziness that was holding me in bed, the probing around for any inkling of an excuse that could somehow justify me staying in bed that much longer.

I've seen faith that moves the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

This time I was hit upside the head with the meaning behind the chorus. God was calling me to faith, not just belief, but faith. In the Bible there's a distinction made between the two: You can believe something to be true (in the case of James 2, that God is One) but that doesn't mean that you will always act as though that is true. As James points out, even the demons believe God and shudder--they don't allow that belief to go to the next level and become faith, showing that they trust in God.

On Sunday night, Pastor Mark talked about how we need to be letting our belief turn into faith by putting it into action. It's useless unless we're doing something with that belief. As it says in James 2:17, ...Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

What's the point of believing in something if you're not going to act on that belief?

What's the point in me saying that I believe that I can lose weight, eat right, and do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy lifestyle if I don't actually go out and take the steps necessary to do so? I'm not going to get any healthier doing whatever it is that has gotten me to the place I am now, that much has been made clear to me.

So what am I going to do about it?

Step out with renewed purpose. Literally.

I was going to do a workout here at home since I missed my chance to take part in water aerobics this morning. That doesn't look like it's going to happen now becuase I'm short on time. I'm going to look for an opportunity to do SOMETHING active today. I know have a busy day--made even busier by the fact that I'm going to spend the majority of my lunch hour shuttling a friend around. But, I think we have some time between when I take her home and our small group starts and I can use that time to do something on the Wii Fit, at the very least.

And that, for today, will be my (literal) step of faith.