Pressed, but not crushed

The line "everything rides on hope now" is from a song by Addison Road, one that has spoken to my life quite a bit recently. The video is posted below...




Really, lately, I feel like I've completely lost touch with things that I was once so in sync with. I see now that I took them for granted. My heart is so stinking full of questions and ideas and I don't really know which way to go--I feel antsy, really.

The biggest thing that has been bugging me lately is I haven't really been sensing God's presence as much as I used to. It's my own fault, really, I haven't been deliberately choosing to focus on Him, pray, or even spend quality time in the Word. I read through a couple of blog entries that I had posted on my LiveJournal account and it made me stop and go "Really? That was me??? I wrote that???" And I couldn't help but marvel at some of the things I said, concepts I understood and ideas that had been running through my head.

I feel like I've drifted so far away from that place where I was learning so much about God and my relationship with Him.

But, recently that's been beginning to change. I had some words with God...or really, I threw some words AT God about some things in my life that I was not happy with--none of which I will detail here right now. Suffice it to say, I was one cranky chick who probably looked and sounded crazy as she was pounding down the walking path and shouting at the sky.

And I got nothing...nothing in response. The only thing I really felt was a bit of relief from having gotten those complaints off my chest.

But then Sunday rolled around...Valentine's Day, actually. While in the midst of a crowd of people, I chose to confront God again--although in a much more humble manner. I told Him that I was feeling lonely--isolated, with friends but at the same time without them. Earlier that day our worship leader had said something that struck me and made me realize just how lonely I was: Worship is not just singing, dancing and raising our hands. Worship is our response to God. And I felt my heart whisper in a teeny tiny voice "How can you respond to someone you don't hear?"

It wasn't until that evening that I realized the thing that I was hurting the most over was that it felt like the One who professed that He would never leave me or forsake me had done just that.

Fear of abandonment is a big issue in my life.

We're working on it.

And so I told God that the thing that hurt the worst was His absence--His lack of communication with me. I realize that I wasn't doing a whole lot to help Him on that front, but that's how I felt.

As I said earlier, that whole night I was having trouble with opening my mouth and getting words to flow out. So I stood there, crying silent tears, feeling so lonely that I didn't know what else to do. I wanted nothing more than to have Him wrap His arms around me and comfort me.

As I was thinking this, it was then He spoke with me. He told me about an issue that had come between Him and I--something I was not forgiving myself for, even though He already had. And as it so often does when He speaks to me, it took my breath away. I could feel my mind scrambling even as a sense of peace washed over me, like when you're little and you climb onto your mommy's lap and she simply strokes your head and whispers "Shh..."

I guess the idea really needed to be pounded into my head--that night's message was on forgiveness.

Since that Sunday (a little over a week ago), God has been whispering to my heart off and on, showing me things that He would have me do. But there are so many things I have questions about.

This past Sunday night, my mind was frantic, begging for help in so many different areas of my life. I'm such a scatter-brained person sometimes when it comes to prayer. The thing that I thought about before the night really began was the thought "Am I showing God my plans and asking Him to bless them? Or am I actually seeking out His plans?"

So that's been on my mind a lot the last couple of days. So much of the time I'm not sure if what I'm doing is actually God's will or if it's just something that I came up with on my own and He's letting me learn my lesson by letting me go that way.

Two specific areas:
1) Ministry at my home church
2) Pursuing my weight loss goals

As far as the first item goes, I think I got my answer tonight. Over the weekend, I was asked to sub for someone in a position that I was helping out with up until the end of December. Despite the fact that I was operating on very little sleep, it felt good and right to be back in that role. It was like God was saying "All right, I let you have your little break, but now it's time to get back into the swing of things. Here's what I want you to do."

Since Sunday, I've been contemplating telling the head of that ministry that I'd like to help again. Really, I was just toying with the idea until the gal responsible for scheduling the team members asked me to sub again (this time with more warning).

So, in my reply to her I told her that I would and I was available for more, if need be (and I know the NEED it). And yes, there is peace about that decision and the offer I made tonight.

And that is confirmation enough for me.

As far as the second area goes--well, that encompasses so much more. I was doing well for awhile with exercising and eating right, but then things happened and I've fallen off the path again.

The phrase that keeps running through my mind in regards to this is one I posted on my SparkPage. It says:

Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.

I have a feeling I'm going to be chanting that to myself tomorrow morning when it comes time to get up and head off to water aerobics. I've been having a rough time getting up in the morning--simply because I'm going to bed so late (at least, that's what I believe, although I like to blame it on my bed being too cozy and the house being...well, not). :)

I just need to remind myself of what the wise man wrote in the song Trading My Sorrows:

I am pressed, but not crushed.
Persecuted, not abandoned.
Struck down, but now destroyed.
I am blessed beyond the curse
For His promise will endure
That His joy's gonna be my strength.

Though the sorrow may last for the night,
His joy comes in the morning.

Which was taken pretty much exactly from two verses: II Corinthians 4:8-9 and Psalm 30:5