If I fly or if I fall, it's in Your hands...

Last week I shared about how God has been helping me work through one of the labels I have placed on myself--"Unworthy".  As I was going through the questions in the "Unglued" participant's guide (the one that goes along with the DVD series), another one--perhaps a bigger one--hit me.

"Failure".

For years this is a label that I have been struggling with.  It has dictated how I have dealt with others, what choices I have made, and had a ripple effect that I'm sure I didn't even realize.

I learned fairly early on that when I failed at something, there was going to be disappointment on someone's part.  Typically, the disappointment was mine moreso than it was any one else's.  And I'm sure I ended up projecting that disappointment on people when they really didn't feel that way to begin with.

Because I didn't like the feeling of disappointing someone (particularly myself) and actually feared it, I did a couple of things.  1)  I stopped having higher expectations of myself.  And 2) I quit trying.

I was texting with a friend of mine earlier today.  The conversation started off talking about a 5K race we were thinking about doing in November.  The thing is, if we were going to do it, we were hoping to pay the registration fee sooner rather than later.

We were going back and forth about this a little bit and after careful consideration, I told her that we probably shouldn't do the race because we could probably both use the registration money for something else...like registering for Bloomsday (a 12K race that takes place in May).

I was saying it half in jest (and I'm pretty sure she knew that), but the conversation continued about Bloomsday.

I have done Bloomsday with this particular friend 3 times in the past.  Each time has been an experience in and of itself.  And we've learned different things along the way.  But the one thing that I (at least) can never get down is making and sticking with a training schedule.  Oh, I'll sit down and make a plan and perhaps even stick with it for a few weeks.  But then something comes up or takes priority and suddenly I'm staring at the race one week away and freaking out because I haven't trained as well as I could have.

As we were texting, she said something about how there are 30 weeks until the race.  I said something back about that being over half a year away.  Her reply was something about how we could do a couch to 5K training and then a 10K training program and then continue to push the distance until we get up to Bloomsday's length (or have some wiggle room on the training schedule).

She then said something to the effect of "Or, we could do a training program for a half-marathon and then the distance will be no problem" (I think there was something also mixed in there about this being a genius idea).

To which I replied something along the lines of "Bwahahahahahahahaha...you are one funny lady. ;)"

I think I actually snorted in disbelief, too.

But then her reply came back: "You don't give yourself enough credit, Erin.  You can do this..." and continued talking about a plan.  But it was when I received that reply that something in my spirit sensed I was at a crossroads.  And I sensed that it wasn't really her speaking those words to me, but God.

Immediately, pieces of two verses floated through my head:

See, I set before you today life and prosperity... ~ Deuteronomy 30:15

And then:

...your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." ~ Isaiah 30:21

At that moment, I knew that I had a choice to make.  I could choose to remain bound up in the label of "Failure" or I could dare to believe that something would be different this time.

Humbled, and with tears spilling down my cheeks, I wrote back "Okay" and something else that indicated we should go ahead with training.

See, what isn't difficult for me to believe is that I can do Bloomsday.  I've already proved that 3 times over.  But what is difficult for me to believe is that I can actually do the training involved...and potentially push myself beyond that limit.  That is something I have been sorely lacking because of the fear that I would be a failure.

The funny thing is, I love stories about how people do things in the face of failure--and keep trying until they succeed.  I love stories about the underdog.  I think that's why I love "Cinderella Man" (about James J. Braddock, boxing champion) and "Miracle" (about the US Men's hockey team from 1980).  There are countless others, too.  There is just something about those stories that makes me want to strive for something bigger, but then...fear...steps in.  And for whatever reason, I stop myself from even starting because I listen to the lies being whispered to my heart about how I could never succeed.

Failure.  Is whispered to my heart so clearly.  And (up until now), not knowing any different, I would say "Okay" and step back.

But now I know different.  And (to quote GI Joe) "Knowing is half the battle."

There is something empowering about knowing that I have a choice in this.  That I don't have to be subject to my old ways.  And while my heart grieves over the fact that I kept making the choice not to try because I was so caught up in that trap, it rejoices in the fact that there is a better choice that God has laid before me.

Sometimes what I love about God is His sense of irony.  Do not think for one moment that the fact that He gave me a verse that told me to "walk" was lost on me.  When I realized that what I would be doing as part of my training would be walking, I giggled.

His sense of timing is fantastic as well.  I happened to be listening to Group 1 Crew's album "Fearless" at the time.  One of the songs from that album really struck a chord with me.  "Steppin' Out" (see below for lyrics and the video).

So...I have made the choice to take a path that leads to life--one of obedience to God--and I heard His voice saying "This is the way; walk in it."  And I plan to.

Literally.

Steppin' Out

By Group 1 Crew

(from their album Fearless)

I feel called to something more

Beyond what I have known

I keep shutting out that voice that cries

Deep within my soul

"I have more to give"

But I have been afraid

And then I hear You say

It's still not too late

I'm steppin' out to take a chance

and if I fly or if I fall

It's in Your hands

You're the maker of my dreams

And You'll make a way for me

So I'm steppin' out

I'm steppin' out

To take a chance

To take a chance

I'm alive, I want to live

And I am not content

To keep holding back all that I am

The way that I have been

I am Yours to use

And when I am afraid

You'll come close to say

"One step is all it takes"

I'm steppin' out to take a chance

and if I fly or if I fall

It's in Your hands

You're the maker of my dreams

And You'll make a way for me

So I'm steppin' out

I'm steppin' out

I believe in the grace You've shown me

I believe in the words You say

I believe there's an untold story

That You're telling through me

I believe in the grace You've shown me

I believe in the words You say

I believe there's an untold story

That You're telling through me

I'm steppin' out to take a chance

and if I fly or if I fall

It's in Your hands

You're the maker of my dreams

And You'll make a way for me

So I'm steppin' out

I'm steppin' out

To take a chance

To take a chance